Adam Carnevale?

The statistic that men think about sex every seven seconds is a misunderstanding. I, Professor X, am using my telepathic powers in conjunction with the machine I created to focus them (Cerebro) to project my sexual fantasies into the minds of men every millisecond

Me being lackadaisical: hey you guys aren't upset by how carefree I am right now right?

"And as we lower Adam into the ground I invite you all to grab a handful of these appropriately leveled treasures to throw onto the coffin."

getting out of a speeding ticket by impressing the officer with my knowledge when he asks me if I know how fast I was going

Two doors, one of us tells the truth, the other only catty asides

Me at the old folks home: sponge bath square pants! Doctor on the other side of the two way mirror: He's a goner. Pull the plug.

King: Home James, and don't spare the horses! Me, who was gonna whip the shit outta those horses anyway: Yes sir!

Calls to violence are so intrusive. I prefer letters to violence.

60s Batman Villian Voice: Nawhahaha Batman, it's me Doctor FucksaLot

Bumper cars are a contact sport

Me after blinding myself so I can be like my hero Daredevil: Wow all my other senses are so heightened! My tinnitus is so loud now!

Me when I get to Westworld and my friends want to go have sex with a robot: "You guys know they have brothels in real life too right?"

Philosophers: But if you have replaced every part of this ship with a new piece can you still call it the Ship of Theseus? Me, sitting next to them at the oar: Less talk. More Rowing.

Just saw all those pictures of people trying to knock over that poor leaning tower of piza. Sick fucks. Disgusting behaviour

Just heard google maps trying to navigate a man sitting on a public toilet. Lady LEAVE HIM ALONE

'Stone to Flesh'? More like 'Normal Campaign to Body Horror'.

It's me. When you're coming home late at night and you try to open the door faster because you feel like something is chasing you. That's me.

Just saw my doctor drinking a coke with sugar. Fucked up.

slaying the Met Gala by showing up in a giant wooden horse

The true art in every gif is knowing that the subject is eternally destined to repeat their actions. Good or bad.

My entire life I have only wished to be Gomez Addams

"Man it's crazy we couldn't tell back in the day that the MythBusters hated each other" I say as a season one episode cuts right before Jamie punches Adam in the heart

Pov you're on a date with me: *silently I read my own tweets to myself only interrupting occasionally to say to myself "haha, good one"*

As a kid who used to watch CSI, I always thought Law and Order was the "serious one". Now that I've watched it i cant believe how wrong I was

Getting one of those floor mats with buttons to teach my cat to speak but all the buttons say 'I'm a stinky little baby'

For sale: Old man shoes. Worn heaps.

Me after being called out to my fifth "trolley problem" incident in two weeks: Who keeps DOING this???

“I asked chatgpt” well I asked the sage and mighty oracle and she said the only way to prevent the village crops from failing is to drag you around by the ankles, behind a horse-drawn chariot, for seven days and seven nights

They should make bigger seats in movie theatres especially for two children in a trenchcoat trying to get into r rated films

If I could cast spells you fuckers would be so fucked

"imagine if we hadn't done it first!"

Don't mind me, just reminiscing about the smell I associate with Windows 7

Me in the Pokemon world: I try to eat an ice cream but it's the ice cream Pokemon. I try to take out the trash but it's the trash Pokemon. I try to call for help but the phone is Pokemon. I try to escape on a plane but all the planes are bird Pokemon. I try to scream but my voice is also a Pokemon.

Catch me being a nuisance in public while wearing merch for things I hate

A curse on both your houses? Brother if I had *one* house to curse it would be a blessing

Pov: you work across from the guy at the CIA who signed up thinking he was gonna be Jason Bourne but instead he's been on "black out the president's name" duty for the last year

We should kiss

even with a warning of this being rightwing pop punk i don’t think i was anywhere near ready for how BAD this is

"I'm from Sol-3" "Is that the-" "Yeah it's the Stink Planet"

At both Silent Hill and Iron Lung the people sitting next to me in the theater were vaping, and this is a sign to me that gamers have gotten too comfortable in society

Me if I attended Shiz: SAY IT NORMAL. SAY NORMAL WORDS.

Yo dude it smells like is-the-unit-of-power-or-radiant-flux-in-the-International-System-of-Units-(SI),-equal-to-1-joule-per-second-or-1-kg⋅m2⋅s−3 in here