Sam Handwich

I’m going to use this thread to store the tweet phrases that keep banging around in my head

squirrels ate our jack o lanterns ☹️

Average Trump scandal: many people dead after uncontroversial government program illegally cut by doge for nonexistent savings Average mamdani scandal: he’s playing BASKETBALL with his FRIENDS

if the democrats win they’ll turn Mississippi into Sissyssippi

RIP Walter❤️

well that's the last thing we fucking need

small local conference about soups named Soupçon

i’m the guy at all the school board meetings demanding more AI in schools. yeah we need AI-powered pizza that beeps “2+2=5”

obama coming out: pivot to gaysia

starting Veterans of Domestic War for all the confederate civil war vets

FLUBBED

antifa needs to counter this by breeding extinct hominids to create obedient supersoldiers

hoisted by his own ret- *a big hook yanks me off stage*

swiss guard reported awol from the vatican

i was a little concerned as this unfolded, but fortunately they avoided putting “NOT A PEDOPHILE” behind him

lmfao

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER: - Must have at least 8 characters - Include both uppercase and lowercase letters - At least one of these special characters: @#$%^&*- - Cannot contain your own username

in almost every relationship, one partner is robbing the cradle, while the other is robbing the grave

lol

ah fuck I started my day in media res. I have no clue what's going on

brainstorming chud alphabet lawn sign: let’s see… H is for heterosexual… F is for uhh

What's up,

Here is the full eat one oreo without using your hands contest during Wovles halftime

His co-defendant, a Mr S. Doo, entered a plea of “Ruh-roh!”

i’ve been to san antonio, i’ve seen the alamo. the only thing i “remember [about] the alamo” is it doesn’t have a basement

Ken Starr, 1998:

Listing cast members of I Am Legend

So this dumbass used ChatGPT to find a George Washington quote justifying public executions without realizing he was writing about war profiteers

thinking of a bit where i post grayscale portraits of still-living celebrities

i got so many people calling this tweet fakeposting back when i made it but since this is bluesky and things have less reach on here im just going to post the photo

coke zero hybrid MAX

the US Air Force is now the US Sir Force

this post is inspired by my kids’ love of mustard: can we make a nutritious form of mustard? mustard hummus or something.

Just another day in the Presidency as directed by Fellini.

heartwarming: kid’s school photos seem like a surprisingly good deal considering the logistics etc. i’m happy that this one very small aspect isn’t outrageously expensive

man if he actually has 2 laser eyes under that visor, naming him Cyclops is bullshit

quaker oafs? like Pennsylvania senator John Fetterman?

honey bunches of oafs

disposable stuff, stuff that ends up in a landfill, should basically be illegal

listen buster, no more ice cream cone for you, well maybe one million bombs tho

hollow knight

just heard a podcast trailer about Austin Tice, journalist who disappeared in Syria more than a decade ago, that ends with a teaser like “i think we know where he is” - like bitch just tell me. and his mom