honey i am a guy & i shrunk the kids

the chat is always with you, sweet prince, always

to become a good artist just start out as a great one then have some success

[Skee-Lo voice] I wish I was a little bit meeker, I wish that I was beaker, I wish I was a high pitched, terrified shrieker

holy shit the fa has voted to shoot 27 former man city players, some big names in there, this could tear the game apart

wish it was snowing and i had ten million pounds

just realised the comic strip 'garfield' is named after the cat in the strip, garfield

UK lawyers should say "nonny nonny no no, your honour" instead of "objection"

remember not to look at anyone today

[1977] Good Afternoon - Mavis Nicholson speaks to writer and novelist J. G. Ballard. He speaks about his style of writing and how he is not ashamed to be known as a sci-fi writer, he also speaks about his time in a Japanese internment camp. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzoXzL5EP8E

just misheard 'grimsby & cleethorpes' as 'grimsby & clean thoughts'

Glasgow's entry to the 2027 Chelsea Flower Show is shaping up nicely.

the *only* loophole from inheritance tax should be if you say something fully outrageous on your deathbed

genetic inheritance tax, when you die your kids lose 40% of your traits

Walking along my firing squad, shaking everyone's hand like it's the champions league final

holy shit the fa has voted to shoot 27 former man city players, some big names in there, this could tear the game apart

In this house we sneeze with our eyes open, young man

if i get to 2k followers i will punch a clown clean out of his shoes

i never ask guests to take their shoes off when they come in but i do shave their heads

i don't count my friends i make them all get in a skip then weigh it if the weight pleases me i let them get out and go home

govt: so we're doing this now public: you specifically said you wouldn't do that govt: ah, y'know

ffs ellen what have you done now

anyone else occasionally feel a bit sad that the sycamore gap guys aren't friends any more

ordered an extra large pizza, ate two slices, stomach swelled up like a balloon, felt gross, ate ten more slices

in the short-term we can only solve the housing crisis with tethered hot air balloons and everyone knows it

i hate all billionaires except batman cos he's really buff

just remembered the economy what was that all about

me (a labour-stealing profitability consultant): um hello

just think if van gogh wasn't good at pictures we'd probably never have heard of him

it's wild how often you're watching dateline or whatever and the victim's coworkers say they knew something was wrong when they didn't show up on time for work, which is sooo unlike them. nobody's murdering us chronically late bitches bc they can't fucking find us

no-one's called brad bradford, this isn't the simpsons

obviously 😎

nice one cheers mate you too

me when I'm trying to choose a healthy breakfast

i have never met one person who wants to go to mars

Middle class men assert dominance over each other by taking too long at the single Dyson airblade in the gents of pubs where you're not allowed to order at the bar

Finally getting a crop from my amulet tree

oh my precious new hour, such plans have i for you

greenwich mean time implies blackheath kind time

at any one time the poetry society has 5-15 exorcists on retainer

Took ages getting them all to look over at the same time

don't ask a clock the time, tell a clock the time

we know about the littlest hobo now we must focus on finding the biggest one, then we'll finally be able to calculate the median hobo

intimacy coordinator on the littlest hobo (s1-s2)