Wilde Thingy

Me *Entering the afterlife* Oh fuck, there's more!

Won't someone please think of the white, male multi-millionaires!

Yes I left a barrel of fondue on the doorstep of the Swiss embassy but I don't know what else you expected me to do with it once I ran out of bread sticks.

While sneezing is a very popular way to avoid an unwelcome hug, I've found an even better way is apologising in advance for my erection.

Winter of discontent yet the hopeless romanticism remains unseasonably high

Fuck: -off. -you. -me. -this. -it. -the cloying existential angst that is slowly sucking my soul dry. -a duck.

The whole world has turned to shit ever since Antipope Clement VII failed to displace Urban VI as the legitimate Pope. You were all thinking it.

Sometimes I reenact Shakespeare's tragedies with gummy bears. I would do the comedies too, but the main characters never survive to the end.

I might be a bad person. But I'm also a phenomenonal nicompoop.

no one cares about your finger puppets until you tell them they’re made with real fingers

I was trying to take a sexy selfie but the best I could manage was archaic grandeur.

[explaining social media to aliens] yeah you basically scroll a little screen for hours and get absolutely furious

I confort myself with the fact that, if AI really does exterminate humanity, at least it will completely tank Anthropic's share price.

See no evil. Hear no evil. Speak no evil. Tweet lots of evil.

My kindred spirit is tequila

Trying to be cute, I named my goldfish Jaws but now he's got major delusions of grandeur. Long story short, I'm going to need a bigger bowl.

I wasted today worrying about tomorrow. I'll probably waste tomorrow regreting wasting today worrying about tomorrow.

I hate it when anyone anthropomorphises me.

I'm not dead inside, just resting.

I went travelling to find myself. I must say, I was hugely disappointed with what I found.

I want to be buried in an unmarked giant pyramid.

Her: could things get any worse? Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

Life was so much simpler before evolution came along and spoilt it all.

Those who don't learn from history are condemned to repeat it. Those who don't learn trigonometry won't ever notice.

I like the World Cup because all my favourite characters from a normal season come together in a massive cross over event.

For sale, self-respect, never used.

Don't mock young people. I'm actually half millennial.

The main two things I look for in a date is she isn't a fucking idiot but she's not smart enough to realise I'm a fucking idiot.

My boss being sacked for watching porn has really put me off porn. Or at least it's put me off watching it on his works computer.

My cat just gifted me a dead bird. I really wish she could speak so I could ask her where the fuck she found an ostrich.

Don't be silly. Unicorns can't fly.

Earth is the worst planet I've ever lived on.

Global warming might be easier to tackle if there was an evil baddie to beat like "Oil Baron" or "Gas O'Line" or "Donald J Trump".

We spent so long pretending to be ironically self-absorbed assholes that we've forgotten we were joking.

I fell for a psyop I saw on TV that convinced me to eat a cheeseburger

The smart phone killed the hobby

Freud: you are a slave to your unconscious impulses. Mrs Freud: really? Freud: All your dreams are about penises. Mrs Freud: OK... Freud: My ego is fucking super and I WANT TO FUCK MY MOTHER! Mrs Freud: *takes away his cocaine*

I never knew what to do with my hands in photographs until I discovered how cool I look doing karate.

Hugely suspicious that the only bird that ever quothed was the raven. Why has a penguin never quoth?

I didn't lose a girlfriend, I gained an enemy.

I didn't lose a girlfriend, I gained an enemy.

I run a parody bank account.

I'm not watching the news any more. It's not because it's scary or depressing or anything like that. I just find it all so depressingly stupid.

Aren't hipsters just repackaged nerds?

I have a bottomless boat full of troubles. Though the first and most pressing of those troubles is my boat has no bottom.

ChatGPT been completely no help in coming up with ideas about how best to redecorate this haunted whale corpse.

I'm just one decent laminator away from owning a very convincing licence to kill.

I flirted with disaster and now I'm married.

Though we all kinda know, it's impossible to define exactly what gist means.