Mal a BOO 👻

You’ll survive but you’ll be funnier in ways that worries people

“So, you struggle with adhd?” I’m pretty sure it struggles with me.

Wall-E 2: hover chair delivers mushy food into the mouth and wipes the dribbles.

If you flirt with me, I will in no way cooperate.

Dracula’s dentist recommends Invisalign for Snaggletooth

Dentist: your gums are bleeding Dracula: no I suck blood *slurp noises*

Them: nice runner’s legs Runner: thx! you wanna see my feet?

finishes exercises to pump up the glutes. goes directly to sit on them.

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

Seriously, if part of your job is to chase bad guys on foot – there better be a treadmill in your future, not a box of donuts.

I wonder if shitty people can smell themselves

My cat yells at me every time I sneeze and I always apologize to him

Chemistry is adorable but have you ever disliked someone as a team?

It’s not a dildo, it’s a placebo-ner

Them: MAN OVERBOARD!!! Me: *in the water No, no, just keep going.

Hunter’s moon tonight ladies. Can’t wait to dance naked and become a concern to the menfolk

I don’t want matching pjs, I want matching people we can’t stand

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy, but isn’t a selfie 

Dressing up as Sarah Conner and hitting some data centers, I mean Skynet, on Halloween.

“Come back with your shield, or on it” type of love.

A Love Language 🤎❤️🤎

Show me a picture on your phone that has your energy but isn't a selfie.

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

You can’t be all up in a Sagittarius’s little sagittarium. They get all sagittated.

Being kind to get your way is a sales technique, babe

A stress ball, but it works by pulling the pin and throwing it at the source of your stress.

I just want someone whose definition of “us” is the exact same as mine.

Ballpark weiners always taste better at the ballpark. I said what I said.

(snuggly in my bed) 💭watching the sunrise is overrated 💭 (watching the sunrise) 💭I can’t believe people sleep right through this💭

step to me toe to toe (shows my toes) yeah I didn’t think so

It’s eat more so you can drink more o’clock!

Why is it always mfr spatula and never mfr drawer?

Fall off lil effer see if I care -me to my toenail

Some of you may have gotten an invitation to my yacht party today, please disregard . . . I had planned on winning the lottery this past week and sent out the invites prematurely.

Putting off today what I can do tomorrow isn't a choice it's a way of life.

I like burgers because you can lift the bun and see what you've got. They could be putting anything in those wraps, like healthy stuff.