bri-llo-ween 🎃👻

by the end of my life i will have spent hundreds of hours failing to convince automated faucets where my fucking hands are

travel is the one and only way to get places also worst

SNL WRITER ASSIGNED TO WRITE COLD OPEN SKETCH: *holds backspace key*

So we fly a pride flag in our front yard in a very conservative neighborhood and it’s been there for the last few years. Someone put this in our mailbox and my goodness…

AI steals creative content, devalues intellectual work, propagates dependency on itself and destroys the environment. it is inherently unethical, by design. so signing a Charter of Ethical AI Use is about as useful as signing an Accord of Only Using Firearms to Apply Bandages.

so basically we all need Superman-style hypnotic glasses from now on just to be left alone cool awesome 10/10 no notes

my self-esteem waiting as i check myself in the mirror each morning:

"i think this all started when Howard Dean yelled that one time. it was loud. shame on Howard Dean."

Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.

and your old butthole ...🌀

"farewell, ya plebes. lizzmeister out!"

it's called a blue jay, maybe you've bird of it

"Septembers, am I right?"

the existence of a People Team implies the existence of a Non-people Team and maybe that's why he's leaving

either it's the screwed up look on his face or the baggy coat over his baggier body but his hands look tiny in this picture

saw the Madden trailer, hey cool, but also why does nic cage sound like buffalo bill from silence of the lambs

just in time for hannukah

new epitaph unlocked

if my computer forces just one more restart i swear i'm gonna keep sitting here watching it but i'll be really huffy and indignant

60 years on from the Gulf & Western acquisition of Paramount and no one's learned a thing. fewer script sales. fewer production jobs. product will just get worse and fill fewer exhibitor screens. sure, what jobs remain will stay in california... until it happens again. this solves nothing.

please crap

i now have two "sexiest organs in the human body" and so do you

also in california when you get the job you're told "you're jallaed"

peter bogdanovich was a real fuckboy huh

Mediocrity: eh, or meh?

"Billy, this is Mark Carney. He's one of the most undervalued PMs in NATO. His defect is that he's boring."

We’re just innocent men

knuckle tats: P L Ē Z C L A P

the last decade only comes around 10 times a century

will forte is the god damn best

downgrade a movie: Monty Python and the Somewhat Sacred Red Solo Cup

every day i want to live as hostility-free as i can and then i read about some goblin in power doing goblin things to hurt non-goblins and my plan goes out the fucking window

new epitaph unlocked

if you ever wondered why the world both loves and is crushe by the loss of dolly parton, it's because she gave her music to the world but also so much of herself. RIP Dolly

one of the best scenes in cinema history

the 5 Simpsons lines I’ve uttered most off the top of my head 1. i just think they're neat 2. wanna fight?/them's fighting words 3. my son is also named bort 4. i am so smart/i am so smart/s-m-r-t 5. what the hell was that?!

if you see this, you're legally obligated to quote with your favorite Star Wars character

"what up guys, it's ya boi Trashman Mike, i'm outside ya house right now and PHEW that's a lotta diapers for one baby anyway like and subscribe for more reviews of ya physical waste"

when the chronically misunderstood finally find understanding never 🐺 let 🐺 go 🏍️💨

no internet, i do not want you to serve up every video you have of hayden panettiere on your talk shows and your drama shows just because she's dead now, you fucking content ghoul

gif of your mental health

regret to inform you if you're in my mentions trying to argue with Bruce Campbell about what the Evil Dead movies should be, you sound insane

the democratic party is totally killing it right now, yeah?

david brooks is a spineless centrist wad who would sell out trans people to elect even less useful spineless centrist wads sure, he'll leave his wife of 27 years for a younger woman, but perpetual capitulation to MAGA? 'til death do they part a complete piece of fucking shit ...so, yes, he's GOP

my banner approves this thumbnail

"well, i think it may be very comforting to go bye-bye, and i want to earn it." -- tim curry, on death absolute unit

mitch mcconnell and the angel of death at a cocktail party:

the sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel

If you see this, quote the energy you bring to Bluesky