Destry B

I read some of the Amelia Earhart files. It was crazy that her last radio transmission was her asking for the release of the Epstein files.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company in his jammies, I don’t see why we can’t.

Donchu worry, I still tear my top off Hulkamania style every night.

Think I'm gonna go as a slutty garbage man for Halloween. Sorry, I mean "sexy" garbage man.

You're an Instagram model? I'm a Bluesky author.

Silver raccoon signing in.

Back in my day we did it all for the nookie. Now we do it just to survive.

I've decided my vehicle will no longer require gasoline to operate, instead it will run solely on the abundance of my personal anxiety.

I’m looking for a TC but is it BC here? Blue crush? Big cock? Before Christ?

I'll never be a billionaire but if I invest in soup I could be a boullionaire.

I had a stroke the other night. Just one. My credit card was declined right at the beginning of a handjob.

I put my hair in a bun once. It tasted fucking awful.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Part of my problem is that I accept all cookies.

Just me and my iced coffee against the world

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Bring over some candles bitch. We're having a seance for Spirit airlines.

Our fearless leader.

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

What do tight pants and the White House have in common? No ballroom.

What's the correct ratio of gunpowder to essential oils? I want this bath bomb to be perfect.

The last time there was an attempted murder at a correspondence dinner was when Barack roasted the absolute shit out of Donald Trump.

How do people watch basketball with all those sneaker noises

I want to adopt a highway and name it " My neighbor Jerry borrowed my weedwacker and never returned the goddamm thing." Memorial Highway.

oh ok there was a shooting at the WHCA dinner uh ok 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom you: you DO have kids me: WHAT

[guy, waking up at the crack of dawn] Dawn. your ass is on my face again. move.

I tried helping this guy harvest mushrooms, but I stopped when I found out he was a sociopath. He had absolutely no morels.

I know what I'm about to say has already been said a bunch, but fellas it's OK to not be OK. End the macho stigma that we have to be tough and hold things in. Sometimes, being vulnerable and letting others in is the bravest things you can do. I love you, brothers.

I threw a no hitter once. Unfortunately, I was boxing.

women who hate men generally just hate what men have done to them whereas men who hate women mostly just hate what women won’t do for them the difference is crucial

Mowing the lawn and the bolt holding one of the drive wheels on broke. It fell off a few weeks ago and I fear I tightened it back on with too much enthusiasm. Guess I don't know my own strength.

There’s strength in numbers. Take 69, for instance.

when did pepper become cool before or after med school

I gave some Prozac to a mourning dove and now it's just a dove.

Eat a bag of dicks? In this economy?

What do you call an orgy with people and their lookalikes? A doppelgangbang.

What do you call a glass of champagne and orange juice wearing chaps? A bottomless Mimosa.