Gian D’Oh

“Yeah Ma, I’m not loving the carpentry thing but I’m kinda killing it as an influencer…. A shirt? Yeah of course I’m wearing a shirt.”

Tired: cars and bicycles Wired: money and caffeinated people

Huh, all this time I thought a “Hershey’s Kiss” was just a nickname for analingus, not a candy.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance, press 3.

I’m always racing home to do all the nothing I can

the thing I have in common with Fran Lebowitz is that between 1981 and the present neither of us have published a proper book

Where there’s a will, there’s a trusts & estates lawyer.

Can’t, I’m trying to use my nose to float on an aroma ribbon wafting from a freshly baked pie cooling on a window sill in a 1940s cartoon.

Jesus: *turns water into wine* Me: nice Me: *turns a steak into a cheesesteak* Jesus: *whispering under his breath* holy shit

First date idea: An exorcism

*deep announcer voice* from the makers of exploding cars, we bring you…exploding flying cars

How many licks does it take to get to the center of your attention?

Linus idling in the parking lot of an insincere pumpkin patch, quietly weeping.

It’s cute you think the disco is the only place I panic

The more fun size candy I eat, the less fun sized I get. Weird.

BEE: *goes into hive* honey i’m home

I would, but I'm just in a weird place right now *motions to entire universe*

All standing pangolins look like Bob Cratchit asking for Christmas day off.

Buying burlap panties from Tractor Supply™️.

I’ve had the same music from the Bill Murray movie “Stripes” in my head for about eight months now, but other than that, things are swell!

I don't have an imdb page but I made my network television premire on Romper Room (1977) as the "angry kid pissed off about firetruck assignments"

Fuck these fucking fucks for fucks sake

saying "fuck it send" instead of "amen" at the end of every prayer

Tonight at 9! The Househusbands Of Dayton Ohio!

I’m an ass half full kind of guy.

The priest has asked me to stop shouting “unsubscribe” at the end of Mass

In Japan, vampires can't enter a home unless they are invited in. Then they have to take off their shoes and put on cute little slippers. Kind of kills the whole vampire vibe.

Four Canadian skeletons in four Canadian cars at a four-way stop.

Assignment: describe end-stage capitalism in a single image or social media post. I’ll go first:

I honestly don't believe I'm overthinking things. I'm pretty sure I'm regularly thinking about things that are overhappening, though.

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

Who called it a scrotum and not “carry underwood”?

Oh jeez now my kid’s participation trophy wants a participation trophy

i don't drink that much i haven't had a beer since this morning!

Just quit Fight Club and can’t wait to dish!