Paul

Life is short. Take the cannoli.

My drug of choice is a full tank of gas and three bags of groceries

Her: What are you up to? Me: I’m opening baseball cards. Are you wet?

it's nice to wake up early and realize you have another hour until your alarm goes off but don't get too excited because then you'll be too excited to fall back asleep

Sometimes I worry that laying down in my free time isn’t a hobby

Beat playing The Sheltering Sky. Oh I do enjoy this band. And weird music. 😄

$40 for a damn concert T-shirt. What the fuck. Am I 25 again? But it was really cool.....

Someone invited me to join Substack. It did not meet expectations. I got very angry.

Escape room but it's just me and a block of cheese.

In the grand scheme of things, he who has the most stuff when he dies still dies.

Apparently it is wolf awareness week. I am aware of the two wolves inside me. 🐺🐺 They both want a nap.

Trying to watch YouTube videos in Ohio right now is a grueling experience. Almost enough to make me pay for the service to lose these political ads. Almost. One week to go.

Servers at the Cheesecake Factory all over the country are mentally preparing for a night flooded w bad tippers

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance, press 3.

And now to go play golf still a little out of sorts. Probably play better. Can't possibly be any worse.

“i'm a top" "i'm a bottom” Yeah, that’s how a horse costume works pal

She orders a big salad then eats almost half of my dinner and takes the salad home in a box.

my kids convinced me to watch Firefly which from what I can tell is a space cowboy version of Friends

Y'all warned me. Go easy, you all said. I thought 4 or 5 puffs WAS going easy. Boy did I fuck up. At least I know now that my hair can smell colors.

Seriously, if part of your job is to chase bad guys on foot – there better be a treadmill in your future, not a box of donuts.

Went to the dispensary today. Got 3 months to retirement and said screw it. If I get hit on a random test so be it. But now incredibly nervous about actually lighting one of them up. I mean, hell. It's only been 32 years. 😳

Ballpark weiners always taste better at the ballpark. I said what I said.

looking to hire a murder of crows to murder one particular crow

an important reminder to always wear a skeetbelt

Roast beef and gravy scented lip gloss

Hairdresser: Y'all should come back soon! We have a lady who does nails now. (lowers voice) She not from here, moved from California. Mom: Manicure! Pedicure! Me:*laughs* Other hairdresser: We need a massage chair! Me: *sigh* Last time I sat in a spa massage chair, I nearly proposed to it

you gotta fight for your right to say “fuck this shit”

This day in history. 1576. The Feast of the Most Holy Redeemer. At first I thought it said moist holy redeemer and it interested me strangely but now I see it interests me not at all.

Flashback Friday

Grief's a prizefighter. You can rest & recover between rounds but you know it's going to hit you again.

*takes a drag off my candy cigarette and tells the neighborhood kids…yeah we didn’t have water bottles and had to actually pedal a bike

I offer you the okiest of dokies, my artichokie

Last day before a week's vacation.

I had the proverbial black fly in my Chardonnay last night… …And another fly in my electrolytes this morning, like, what the fuck?

Three cheese tortellini will save me

My freak flag features a goat rampant on a field of broken dreams.