Phil

Mourinho was once asked to come up with the saddest five-a-side team ever. This is what he wrote: Forssell, Bebe, Schuurs, Neville, Warne

I deleted everything on my X account and just left this one post.

If you're still on X ... now my friends is the time to pull that plug. This very dangerous man needs to be stopped, not enabled www.telegraph.co.uk/world-news/2...

That’s 1/7th of a Truss, for folks using metric.

Timeline cleanser: Henry The Absolute Unit.

#CelebrityTraitors

Police find vital clue in search for the High-Viz Wizard serial killer.

Ah, I see Richard Ayoade is playing the character of ‘Richard Ayoade’ again, this time on The Lycett Arms.

I think it’s fair to say Fleur has for many years picked up our household vibe.

The garden furniture pleads: “Please, Mr Human, no! Don’t do this, it’s dark under here.” Me: “It’s for your own good, and it’ll only be for a while.” Garden furniture: “Liar. That’s what you said last Septem……..”

If you're designing a website for a restaurant, my tip would be: making it easy to find the menu is important, a 30-year breakdown of the founder's original vision and evolving philosophy less important.

New glasses time. I’m not definitely saying I chose this type because I don’t want anyone to think I’m wearing smart glasses. But it might have been at the back of my mind.

I would have thought in 2026 we were beyond “posh bloke with book to flog slags off an even posher bloke” as a major news story, but here we are. I guess this is England.

And I ask: why on earth is my government still using X? @jessphillipsmp.bsky.social

Imagine how much of a toxic nightmare bastard you would have to be to blockade and shut down a lifeboat station. Not only that, a lifeboat station run by *volunteers*. Some of the bravest and most selfless people this country has, hounded and intimidated by some of its most pathetic pricks.

Me and my archaeology colleagues had a party after unearthing the world's oldest known tibia, which was nice because I do like a good shin dig.

The 11th Anniversary of the Sunday Express showing that there are some things a spellchecker won’t find.

It was a bit better this week, although I’m still smarting that Ch4 insisted Joe Lycett use a studio set in Hoxton instead of a pub in *just about anywhere else*.

@tokyosexwhale.bsky.social Hey there, was that your name I heard in the Sean Bean Lounge this week? #ifyouknowyouknow

Make a band edible: Emerson Lake and Parma ham

There’s a TV ad for Vauxhall cars where they’ve come up with the word “Astraordinary” and I wonder why no-one thought putting the word “ordinary” next to their product’s name was a bad move.

How Mr Miyagi eats his Babybel

“Ooh, I’d never use a self-checkout. It’s taking away someone’s job.” Good for you. Now stop using AI slop and get a human in instead.

The manager at work who denies using AI to give me feedback really shouldn’t send me notes that have ‘Claude’ in the filename.

The chap at work whose job it is to make corporate videos has been increasingly using the odd bit of AI in recent months. He’s currently tearing his hair out as he’s now being asked to produce absolutely ridiculous stuff because “You can just AI it, can’t you?” Shot and chaser.

Lycett Arms: if you’re going to promote your show as being based in a pub, why not *use an actual pub* instead of a studio sound stage?

Shhhhhh everyone, keep it down. Fleur is sleeping.

In the ‘War on Motorists’, does anyone have any stats on how many motorists have died, compared to, say, pedestrians, cyclists and people with lung conditions?

I keep getting a rash every time I compare one thing with another. Think I might have analogy.

Negroni is occurring. “You know alcohol? What would happen if we added some alcohol? And then more alcohol?”

Me: maybe just a little tiramisu to finish the evening off. Italian restaurant: yeah right, we’ve seen the size of you.

I had to wait before doing the laundry this afternoon as my washing machine was downloading new software. This bright new future.

My favourite part of a visit to an otter sanctuary is the bit where the otters stand respectfully in silence for their national anthems.

The 5 Simpsons lines I’ve uttered most off the top of my head: 1: Hot stuff…coming through! 2: Foilage…foilage 3: Everything's coming up Milhouse! 4: I can’t promise I’ll try, but I’ll try to try. 5: Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don’t work on.

In most cases there’s nothing wrong in starting a sentence with a conjunction. And I strongly recommend you try it.

There’s a man with a mullet going mad with a mallet in Millets.

I’m so tired of genAI apologists telling me I only hate it because I don’t understand it. I hate it *because* I understand it, you absolute toenail.

Wildfires? The EU have a shared fleet of waterbombers that they allocate to various member countries depending on need. Just saying.

Keeping calm and carrying on. #FridayNightDrinkingHats #AdvancedHydration

Nearly dropped this flaming torch I use to navigate the cornfields.

I don't think there should be a defibrilator on Snowdon. And that's a hill I'm prepared to die on

There’s an ad for breakfast cereal that has a chap eating it from a bowl while piloting a homebuilt helicopter with the words “serving suggestion” on screen and I think that’s a bit ambitious.