Jonathan Howard

taping this to my bsky fridge

you’ve been offline for 2 days?? touch glass

me: I got the money, you got the variable intermittent reward? drug dealer: maybe 😏

nice anxiety you’ve got there. it’d be a shame if something happened to it

we should study why there’s no obesity epidemic in werewolves

five eyes full magnets can lose

In the movie, Elon’s kidnapped by ICE and spends two years in the torture camp as his supervillain origin story. Then South Africa, where he tries to unite the continent against the West. But his lawyer money is what finally stops and dismantles ICE, so that the bad guy is Complicated.

It would be such sweet poetic justice if Elon spent months illegally seizing offices and ruining peoples lives, only to have it happen to him weeks later

Notice how Super Mario and all his supposed “enemies” are happy to get together and go go-kart racing? Wake up. It’s all kayfabe

this is the exact amount of online I am

elon and trump are meeting outside uniqlo on sunday 5pm. 3251 20th Ave, San Francisco, CA, 94132

TRUTH BOMB 💣 this guy is a Pedophile. I also made him President

hahaha accidentally snuck into a private event at the Fellow storefront, to check out their new espresso machine AMA

Executioner: Any last words? Me: Sparn Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean Me: Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

reality needs some zealots of its own

And that colon polyp is now National Security Advisor

I am SO bad at getting enough sleep, especially winding down at night anyone struggled with that and found a way to crack it? #FitnessSky

officially down 20lbs in 20 weeks then kept it off for a month! 🥳 might be ready to do another cut soon GOOD LORD will I be happy when this is over lmao

the last one was an entire loaf of garlic bread that they hollowed out and stuffed with bbq ribs AND SIDES

even the cheesiest pizza begins with a single slice

my fat loss diet is weak against ice cream damage (2 for 1 deal)

hot take: I don’t even want YOUR read receipts

going viral is so weird. what do you mean it was reposted by the BBC, a YA novelist, and “baba yaga’s chicken shack”

your pope name is: last thing you ate + number of letters in your first name Pope-peroni VIII

betting markets have never implemented the theory correctly, but they’re especially broken when you literally *cannot* know anything in advance

woke pope Woke Pope WOKE POPE

deep dish pope

WOKE POPE SHOCK - supports poor, needy - gone too far?!

can I get a ruling on whether we do occasionally, in fact, “gotta hand it to” andrew tate?