Joaquin Phonics

Lab grown meat is finally opening the door for ethical cannibalism, and I'd like to invite you to get in on the ground floor of my new human meat company, Beyond Gary.

Can't wait to one day own a car so rich and fancy, it makes my brother feel bad enough about himself that he wishes he was never born Coworker: I meant what are you looking forward to this weekend

I will never tell you about my stay, Marriott

My kid's school won't even give him Tylenol or ibuprofen without me signing a form

acab includes fraternities

Now in Gunmetal Grey!

Finally.

Use Your Illusion I by Guns n Roses

Of all the legendary insults that pop up in my head from time to time I don’t think there’s anything better than whoever described Steve Bannon as looking like “the coroner of Margaritaville”

Truncated raccoon summer

It's been a long time since anyone felt like wanging chung and the president needs to answer for that

The real winners are the refs

mandatory reading

That David Beckham is in like 5 of the ads makes me think the men's world cup is the only time he gets any work

In America, John Stones would be called Jack Balls

I can't wait until the year 2196 freedom 420 baby

The world cup has made me believe that, at 41, my back does not have to feel like this

End of regulation, now they have to play with their arms tucked inside their jerseys

Just made myself really mad thinking about Joe Buck commentating the Cabo Verde- Argentina game

If a game is still tied after 90 mins they should release several dogs onto the field

Removing my 23 year old "Freedom Fries" sign now that France has finally launched an offensive attack on Iraq.

Starting a Tartan Army Army that follows the Tartan Army around

Every 10 mins they should add another ball #fifaworldcup

Would buy this album

Accidentally said the home depot slogan in Lowes and now they're chasing me with hammers

Stephen King's editor:

Dreamt Taylor Hanson wanted to date me 💅

God Save the Queen

Putting my bar tab on my Healthcare FSA card

15 years ago today, Kate and William killed Osama Bin Laden at their wedding.

Quakertown is a very politically mixed town in the swingiest county in a swing state. While it's not Trump country, it does have a sizeable conservative population that tends to be very racist and pro-cop.

Can't be a loser if no one is keeping score

Reminder, here is how Skeleton is scored: - the bones are their money - so are the worms - the bones equal dollars - they will pull your hair up but not out - all they want is another chance at life

Watching a movie with my 6 yo and apropos of absolutely nothing he says, "We should've named [his sister] cream of wheat"

Kidz Bop Rage Against the Machine

We had a good run

Maintaining the status quo

Merry Christmas to all

On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil, Charlie Brown!