John Howard Matthews

Anyone know where I can get a bite around here? #ChristopherLee

Can't wait to check out the downloaded special. If you haven't seen any of Brent's comedy yet, get on it. So good.

We need ads that are a montage of Trump administration fuckups punctuated with JD Vance asking people if they've said thank you

Big thank you to the tireless zombie child laborers working to keep the streets of Elgin clean. #NightmareOnChicagoStreet

#ManHoleCoverMonday #NightmareOnChicagoStreet "What we seem to have here is a C.H.U.D..."

Randomly heard Ramones songs on way to and back from this year's Nightmare on Chicago Street. A sign from Joey? Hey, ho... Let's go! #nightmareonchicagostreet

Fuck Columbus and his day. Instead, I wish you all a wonderful Columbo Day!

Their human masks are barely staying on at this point.

My column in the Sun-Times today: www.everygoddamnday.com/2026/10/one-...

Shout out to the witchcraft book containing "Spell for Avoiding Jury Duty". It worked!

Happy Labor Day! Sincerely, Your Future AI Overlords

This is truly heartbreaking. Dolly Parton was an extraordinary person and an irreplaceable champion of the working class. We are a better country because of her.

If you ever get a chance to see Brent's standup, do not hesitate.

Casual reminder that the myth of “pulling yourself up by your bootstraps” is a cruel hoax designed to convince poor people from all walks of life that the injustices they face are a result of their own actions, rather than an oppressive system rigged against them.

Fobidden Planet

Every third post on my feed today, there’s that fucking bloated orange sack of shit’s face again — a malignant jack-o’-lantern marinated in grease, vanity, and human sewage.

Been a bit since I found a payphone ghost. Using a payphone from your car was very cool in 1987.

"You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain living here and work for us when we need to obtain fresh humans."

If Ash isn't afraid to read, you shouldn't be either.

As AI Data Centers consume the land and resources around us, it’s time to start preparing future generations to serve them. My new one for @mcsweeneys.net

1,100,000 Americans died from Covid, and these fucking scumbags want everyone to believe that it was all a hoax & didn't happen. My Mom died in a Covid ward in 2020. I couldn't get in to see her. A nurse held up the phone to my Mom's ear so I could tell her goodbye. I hate these people. Truly.

I'm not saying that Matt Damon copied this pose from my YouTube Evil Dead II parody short Desperately Seeking Chainsaw, but there, I didn't say it. #TheOdyssey #DesperatelySeekingChainsaw

From now on I will be using this list of Gmail AI-suggested responses to an email as my go-to response to all future emails:

There are so many Stephen Miller insults in this whole thread but I want this one to get a little sunlight

"...conspiracy theories are history for stupid people." 😂

Post walk dopamine high.

can’t believe a narcissist is being so publicly humiliated by a reflecting pool

I’m so immature but this is immaculate.

I can read the title of this piece until time ends and it will always crack me up. Then the piece itself is even better.

Another successful faked moon landing. #BostonTerrier #@Boston_Bits

Rare photo of Daisy Matthews, revolutionary leader of STU (Stuffed Toy Underground).

BREAKING: Charles Manson backs out of the Freedom 250 concert

Among the many reasons I'm proud to be in the union is they tend to have good graphics. Today, on the newspaper's Slack channel, we're replacing our photos with this way-cool logo to remind our masters that people make the Sun-Times, not AI slop.

Happy Mother's Day

Do you Remember when Obama, Clinton and Bush tried to get a comedian fired for making fun of them??? Me neither … only whiny b!tches do that 🤷🏻‍♂️

Happy April 21st "Fog Day" to all who celebrate. Wrote some satire on Medium to commemorate the day. medium.com/@planetstrik...

Found this on street today. Maybe try to apply at Duke of Oil instead?

He got transported to Waffle House

"If NASA allows lycanthropes to perform a successful moon landing, we run the risk of ushering in a hyper-advanced civilization of lunar-dwelling space wolves. This outcome is undesirable." 😂😆😂

You can lead a Republican to facts but you can't make them think.

I hate how stupid everything is.

Iran War won't be so absentee chicago.suntimes.com/opinion/2026... By @neilsteinberg.bsky.social

OK, so it’s official from the President of the United States when someone you don’t like dies it’s OK to say “I’m glad he’s dead” we got it in writing folks

So long, Chuck. Thanks for all the face kicks.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, Kristi Noem.