Billhelm

Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs

It’s not a dildo, it’s a placebo-ner

holding a free shot of chai in my mouth and asking the sample guy at costco if he’s ever snowballed

Oh my god that was so exhausting -me making plans 9 days in advance

learning chemistry by posting nonsense jokes and getting corrected

bad news. it’s actually kind of nice to log off and get your chores done

butter is only for people who believe

the butthole is strong with this one

Welp, that is definitely the last time we rent out our space for a suicide cult's "party night." Fool us twice!

Even though I forgot to make it about me, I'm still offended because why should I ignore that opportunity

Yes, I still have student loans. I’m not done with the students I borrowed. They’re painting my house.

excuse me sir but do you have a permit for that shitpost

“Never have I ever been this mad at you before in my entire life!” - mothers every single time you forgot to do a minor chore

When you live life with reckless abandon, “Never Have I Ever” becomes a very short game.

The Dead Sea died doing what it loved. Scrolling.

Among the Dead Sea Scrolls was a peculiar document written in ancient Aramaic: 𝘔𝘰𝘳𝘵𝘺 - 𝘎𝘰 𝘵𝘰 𝘐𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘩𝘪𝘮’𝘴 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘶𝘱: ~𝘖𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴 ~𝘖𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘪𝘭 (𝘦𝘹𝘵𝘳𝘢 𝘷𝘪𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘴𝘭𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘺 𝘓𝘖𝘓) ~𝘗𝘪𝘵𝘢 ~𝘎𝘰𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘬 (2%) ~𝘛𝘰𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘱𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 (𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘥) 𝘉𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘬𝘦𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘤𝘢𝘳𝘵

One day you logged out of AIM and never logged back in again

i love the smell of lead solder fumes. there's no joke here, just figured it might help explain some things.

nothing more hateful than your body betraying you after all the drugs you gave it

got fired from the sex hotline for soliciting feedback on my skeets

oh no its the downfall of civilization whatever should i do

what an amazing menu [waiter] anything catching your eye? yes ill take the gripping panic and a side order of self loathing [waiter] and to drink? oh the 9oz of depression looks nice [waiter] yummy coming right up

I wish I could say this was a good skeet but it is downright evil in its intentions

If you cross streams in a clogged urinal, that’s technically split pee soup

Them: Let’s play spin the bottle. Me: The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles per hour. Them: Me: All bottles are already spinning. Them: Fitzy, if you have weed, you have to share with us.

“I’m so fuckin’ bored, I just chopped 2000 peas in half. Now what?” - the inventor of split pea soup

FDR: healed the great depression JFK: dared to touch the moon LBJ: spanish for blowjob

i never know what to do with my other eye when i wink at people

Started from the bottom... thank you elevator.

peyote is short for pet coyote

I have seen the face of god and it is pixelated

Him: Stop taking the piss. Me: *slowly lowers piss bucket to the ground*

a fisful of corn dogs

the opposite of “adept” is “adumbt”

(Mormonly) i'll have a dirty soda, please. and a disgusting cookie. can i get that with the depraved frosting? how much to add the filthy little slut toppings

I’ve been described as like a prayer. Mildly comforting but ultimately useless.