Lock Wilford

[Sex Shop] Me: *holding 37 dildos* Shopkeeper: may I help you? Me: where are the fitting rooms?

Nothing matters

the hotel bartender choosing not to ring up my third dirty martini and me just tipping her more for it because it's on the company card anyway,,, that's class solidarity

Ready for my own TBI

*is so broke haven't looked at bank account balance since last payday*

I woke at 6, I dusted, loaded and ran the dishwasher, swept, mopped, cleaned the bathroom, started laundry, made Aidan's breakfast, vacuumed, cleaned the kitchen, changed my duvet and linens, and found time for lunch and breakfast myself which was vodka both times

Me: *thinking I have a banger, references a New York Times Worst Seller*

Everytime I see Richard Engel on the news all I can picture is him drunk playing blackjack

Aidan's uncle has been bringing his children over to see Aidan and they have been having a field day in my game cabinet. Anyways they must've found this one and given up on figuring it out

they should invent a peanut butter jar that doesn’t get peanut butter on the knife handle

Going to take the dogs for a drive tonight and we’re going to the A&W drive in…

Hmmm? Wonder what the mayor's position is?

BTW the only option still getting answered is new player registration, all other options take you to a full mailbox

So I called to find out if they provide the hoods and sheets for the players or if the players have to supply their own.

Sure would be a shame if the i9 sports office in Winter Park got inundated with calls or if the Winter Park Police chiefs email got bombarded for their racist actions this weekend

i need AI to hurry up and take my job before 7am tomorrow

Here's the thing about fascism, I'm against it.

What does not kill me makes me wonder why it's trying to kill me. I try to be a nice guy.

*taking five ibuprofen with a shot of vodka*

Two doubles that contain two shots per single means eight shots in total, yeah I'm toast

Know what else falls back an hour? My memory

Neighbor: *returning from church services with husband and children* GODDAMN FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! *slams car door*

A lot of what's wrong with me would be fixed by hugging a baby giraffe

My second double is almost gone, think I need a third

Okay all breakfast goes well with martinis

Aidan got an identical plate, more eggs though, so not identical

Happy Print Paper Sunday to all who celebrate 🗞️

One Direction 2: Two Direction

Go ahead scroll my TL and learn exactly what not to do, I fucking double dog dare you

Blueberry muffins are in the oven, I reckon they'll go well with these lemon drop martinis

good morning those of you invoking the Factory

Fans of the gaps between my skeets have been asking for more

nor does gravity

At least my assistant has my back

*checking my follower count because the mutuals feed is inoperative*

being the gay paramour of a closeted bisexual sucks

Okay I'm doing nothing but drinking for the rest of today

I should probably go to bed

emergency hotdog that heats up when you crack it like a glow stick

my favorite thing about space is all the screaming you can't hear