SeaTea

This dog was a three term mayor of Whoville.

add "between my legs" to a movie title "Parasite Between My Legs"

Another impossible beauty standard for women

Not now larva bursting eyeball worms.

HYPOCRISY IN GOP #ProudBlue

Trump Unleashes Racist Tirade That should be the headline in every newspaper.

Sure, I'm tired after so many years of just being the VICE President of the Southwest Florida Pia Zadora fan club but if Bernie were to disappear or die mysteriously I would be the prime suspect so I'm just going to have to wait it out and let nature take its course.

Megyn Kelly is one of the most loathsome women of our time.

You can get nine meals out of one $5 rotisserie chicken, but the last three are pretty gnarly.

Trump knows (deep down in his his shrunken heart) that he could never win a straight up election against Obama and it kills him.

Her: What have you been doing in retirement? Me: Well, I don't want to brag but I just finished my first book. Her: Congratulations! what is it about? Me: A big red dog named Clifford. I really enjoyed it.

It's almost as if he's for once trying to tell a fundamental truth, but he can't name names.

Keep ya chin up, youngsta. This happened to me at every open mic I hit back in the day.

Word of warning if you’re thinking of buying the old gray mare…

Alexa, how can I tell if my duck is plotting something

Children are not born knowing how to hate. You have to expose them to the couples on House Hunters and explain it to them.

AS IF I DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

The algorithm just doesn't "get" me. I have never felt this misunderstood since my marriage.

Have you ever wondered where words like etymology originated? Neither have I.

Someone invited me to join Substack. It did not meet expectations. I got very angry.

Let’s make a pill salad with booze dressing!

𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘞𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝘉𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘺 is my favorite song about the wonderful world of anti-anxiety pharmaceuticals.

Her: You seem deep in thought. Me: I've been thinking a Great deal recently about mortality. Her: Don't be so dark. You have lots of years of life left. Me: I was thinking about your mortality.

I often remember what my Great Granny used to say, "If you've never written a joke skeet yourself don't be send @replies criticizing or 'correcting' other people's jokes."

sons of bibliography

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." -FDR "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." -JFK "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!" -Reagan "I looked at one hell of a beautiful ass before, Nicki Minaj.” -Trump

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I'll just be promising kids a $5,000 check after the midterms.

I just put my phone in airplane mode and a lady came by and charged me $18 for 6 ounces of Diet Coke and two Biscoff cookies. 😳

Someone here dm'd me and asked if I ever sleep. I'll have you know that I sleep 8 hours a day...just not in a row.

"Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"

in the last 10 years I haven't had a single trick-or-treater come to my home. I think I'll cut back to 36 jumbo size Snicker bars to prepare for this year.

I wish I was rich and pretty enough to have a job as a “socialite.”

Held my tongue about the 8-pack and mini cans but the 4-pack is un-American.

Can’t sleep. The full moon’s fucking up my waterbed.

I think it would be good for overall morale if the Republicans running on the super popular "I'm a horrible piece of shit...what're you gonna do about it?" platform faced some electoral consequences. I know it would cheer me up for a day or two!

Back in the day you could look at the internet for up to an hour without getting mad.

My Grandpa was out with his Bae when his Lil Boo Thang showed up. It got gangsta real quick. Depends flying all over the Bob Evans. 😬

Stratford-upon-Avon? That sounds kind of naughty. 😳

Just a wild guess here but I'm going to go with: A Slingshot.

What does not kill me makes me wonder why it's trying to kill me. I try to be a nice guy.