Fleetwood Mat

I wrote “I am alive” on a piece of paper, and placed it into a photocopier. What I saw next has shocking implications

@uzmab.bsky.social happy birthday

i grieve in stereo

I’M AT THE URGENT CARE I’M AT THE TACO BELL I’M AT THE COMBINATION URGENT CARE AND TACO BELL

PAUL: What’s in the box? REVEREND MOTHER: Pain. [PAUL hesitantly puts his hand in the BOX, then FROWNS IN CONFUSION. He pulls out A BAGUETTE.] REVEREND MOHER: Hōn hōn,

ON SALE THIS WEEK: - Jimmy Eat Wood - Parafloor - My Chemical Remnants - Floor Out Boy - The Promise Rug - Floorboard Confessional

So far the most impressive thing any billionaire ever created is an ex-wife

When Amadeus first transferred from London to Broadway in 1980 the Broadway production starred Tim Curry as Mozart and Ian McKellen as Salieri and I would like to go back in time and watch that.

[sighing to my wife at the table of a nice restaurant] No no no, milkshake ducks are just for racism. if you're complaining about fascists or homophobes, that's a drone metal orthodox priest guitarist. You don't think it makes a difference, but I'm saying it does. I am not raising my voice.

The best tribute to Dolly Parton is that she regularly and repeatedly refused to have anything to do with Piers Morgan

RIP to a legend

Give a man a fish, and the two will team up to fight crime. Villains of the land and sea alike fear their powers

One bean to rule them all One bean to find them One bean to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

daughter: daddy, who’s your favorite child? me: I don’t have a favorite. you all need to try a little harder

cashier: did you find everything you were looking for? me: *gazing melancholically into the middle distance* I thought so, once

I’m so happy for them

All I saw was cheesecake boat and ocean for at least 5 minutes

Say what you want about Lindsey Graham,

me: attention is neither “paid” nor “given,” and nobody else can “have” mine fire marshal: fine, shut the fuck up and listen to me then — you need to get out of the building

Hey guys meta announced a new policy where they send a killer to get you so be sure to go to settings>my account > killer> disable killer to turn that off

[bookstore] customer: can you tell me where the do it yourself section is? me: you are not off to a good start

Thank god mitch mcconnell isn’t alive to see any of this

Types of Tornado Alert xkcd.com/3267/

haha, thats a great post. unfortunately you phrased it in a way that allowed me, a moron, to misunderstand it

🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️ One milkshake to rule the boys, one milkshake to find them, one milkshake to bring the boys and in my yard to bind them 🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️🕯️

how it feels to watch michael clayton

One of these days, these Crocs are gonna walk all over you

America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital

i'm so close to standing on the side of the road barefoot wearing a sandwich board that says the end is nigh, like i'm just looking for the right hat at this point

I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.

It's a small graphic design detail, but the loitering guy on TTC signage is actually in front of the red slash, casually leaning against it, making him look *unbelievably* cool.

Tippy Toe Taps for Treats 😊

What if god was built Ford tough Just a truck for hauling stuff

can’t believe a narcissist is being so publicly humiliated by a reflecting pool

This is Lady and Piper. Lady really loves playing fetch. Maybe even enough for the two of them. 13/10 for both (TT: rachaelsteinle)

Such a good girl….