Moldy Pumpkins

Me, in an intersection: And now, please stand for the pledge of allegiance People in cars: <honk> gid out the fuckin way Me: Filthy commies...

Mechanical problems on a rental car the hour before my car is done being worked on. Please dissolve me in acid.

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that likes kissing humans

youtu.be/LKaXY4IdZ40?... Stop making me cry, assholes :'(

We got boxing gloves when I was 13. My older brother was beating my ass in a driveway boxing match. My dad came out and took my gloves from me and totally obliterated him without mercy.

This is probably a dumb question, but are there any HEALTHY fast food hits that people are lining up for? Like, does anyone have an amazing bean sprout salad that has demand queued up all the way down the block? Speaking for SLC, Utah

Sometimes, I wish I didn't have to sleep. But then I realize that if people didn't have to sleep then we'd probably just be expected to work more. So I'll revise my wish: I wish I didn't have to sleep but that everyone else did. Eat shit, everyone else 🖕

Finally watching Deadpool and Wolverine. While this is everything I want from a Deadpool movie, I am kind of amazed at how meta everything is.

Welcome to the future of thinking. NERVE CENTER premieres next Thursday on InfoWars.

Snorlax sounds like it would make you shit in your sleep.

Women can be like omg I love owls, they’re so mysterious and beautiful and some guy will be like I saw an owl once, wanna fuck

Mitch McConnell has been noticeably sluggish over the past few years while slowly digesting Joe Lieberman.

Y'know, I really outdid myself this morning. I deserve a rest. <proceeds to sleep for 24 hours>

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals. I M LIVID

I’m a much better reposter than poster

I bought a wooden whistle... But it wouldn't whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wouldn't whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wouldn't lead me whistle.

orthopedics? yeah duh i mean where else is the pee supposed to come from

I would like for prospective congresspeople who don't know fuck-all about trans people in sports to practice this line: I believe this issue is best left to the concerned athletes and athletic associations, and I do not believe this warrants federal legislation at this time. Next question, please.

Incredible sentence.

What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? No one ever paid $50 to have a lentil on their face.

Best part of living in UT right here

Honestly, I would love to live in a nation that is no longer an empire. If that could be here in the US, even better

Downgrade a movie Deliberately Trained Killers

There once was a hitman from Sweden Who was, on the motorway, speedin’ His mark goes unwhacked, For in ironic fact, The killer’s the one who’s left bleedin’

To be honest, I've seen enough Curb Your Enthusiasm to say that it wears out its welcome fast.

Optimist: The cup is half full Pessimist: The cup is half empty Probation officer: Keep peeing, I'll tell you when it's enough

Yeah, we're not talking about spreadsheets here, not at all. What we're talking about is people's bitterness towards Ben Collins, who they perceive as a sort of interloper, and whose off-the-cuff remarks make them feel bad about themselves. It's a problem of thin skin, nothing else.

If Bluesky was really as dead as they say, could I do THIS?? (okay I am going to need this to do big numbers)

Bad news sucks, but I do appreciate receiving it this way. RIP

Horses have birthdays too theonion.com/i-work-very-...