Steve Suckington

jesus christ just tell us if it’s maybelline

I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them

godzilla: hey folks it’s me, godzilla. nice to meet you the people: *start firing rockets at him* godzilla: well what the fuck

imagine being the first person to see a horse and go… maybe i can ride that

wife: why r u putting garlic in ur pants me: so dracula won’t try to eat my ass wife: why would dracula try to eat ur ass me: he won’t. the garlic- r u even listening

I can tell if someone is judgemental just by looking at them

sorry I’ve been absent lately. I’ve been a little bit happy in real life but I’m working on destroying that

Another day another negative 100 dollars

"Hi, I'm here for Paradox Club" -Actually this is Oxymoron Club "Ok, same difference" *looks at group* -Oh, this guy is good

I remember when a foot long was $5

the guy i hired off craigslist to pee on my feet showed up wearing an ascot. fucken weirdo

who gives a shit where Waldo is

Imagine dying in the 90’s when someone would find your porn collection

wonder if that bird who’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs ever tried cocaine

by the time I’m finished blowing up my sex doll I’m too tired to make love to it

jesus christ do i have to do everything around here

if you could snap your fingers and be an expert at something what would it be?

You have a pair of gloves specifically for driving? Haha you douchebag! *puts on Golden Corral sweat pants*

REACHER: I need help with my iPhone SUPPORT: regular iPhone or duo? REACHER: how can I tell SUPPORT: if it folds it’s the duo *extremely loud crunching noise* REACHER: it’s the duo

ALANIS: would she go down on you in a theater? ME: that’s actually not a huge priority for me

life is so much easier as a toddler. you can just bite the shit outta someone who’s pissing you off and nobody does shit about it really

[present day Back to the Future] “Fred, it’s Marvin. Your cousin, Marvin Durst!… You know that new sound you been looking for? Well, listen to this…”

Boy I hate inflation. What I should do is give everyone in the country five thousand dollars

Foldable phones? What else? Foldable laundry?! Give me a fuken break

asked my doctor if my heart was healthy enough for sex and he said LOL he didn’t even laugh he said the letters

what's the weirdest way we can say Sean Lennon had a kid

who wants to join a fantasy football league? applicants must have current knowledge of the NFL and be willing to sleep with my wife

the fucking gall of Alvin to name his band ‘Alvin and the chipmunks’. As if he’s not a fucking chipmunk too

The best cure for a crush is to simply get to know the person

Those people following 666 accounts, are not going to follow you back, they’ve hit their number.

[opening the first bowling alley] -it’s too cheap. we’ll never make a profit “we’ll make them rent shoes”

get in, loser. it’s fucking hot outside, you goddamn idiot. don’t get a heatstroke, you dumbass. stay hydrated, you giant piece of shit