Robert Manchild

I will peel a carrot or I will wash a carrot but no way am I doing both. Pastor: These are very unusual vows.

🙌

Recession Indicator: only saw one hot air balloon today

The influencer to hawking dildos expressway.

similarly, an umpire can be killed with a wooden stake

My whole TikTok feed is like “Watch this 42 year old candy maker react to tasting chocolate for the first time”.

Obi-wan’s force ghost helping Luke make pottery.

[making up ghost story as I go along] but this was no ordinary Honda Accord

Bluesky actually has seven types of users.

When my wife makes the TikTok recipe I sent her

Hate when someone figures out my password and I have to rename my cat

When my wife makes the TikTok recipe I sent her

Wait a minute...

[sean connery voice into voice remote] dish knee plush

AITA: my wife keeps drinking the ‘it happened’ champagne

Recession Indicator: only saw one hot air balloon today

AITA: my wife keeps drinking the ‘it happened’ champagne

ᴵ ᵗᵒᵒᵏ ᵗʰᵉ ᵍᵒᵛᵉʳⁿᵒʳ ᵉʳʳʳʳᵖ

[sean connery voice into voice remote] dish knee plush

[crime scene] partner: there are two kinds of bullets but only one set of footprints me: *whispering* jesus partner: oh shit, jesus

All guests 95 or older can sign up for our Lifetime of Free Soup program.

Called into H/R again for including slides on man’s inhumanity to man.

Wait a minute...

There it is!

Is fictional workplace urgency related to mercury being in retrograde becasue my god.

Renfield: Did you know that urine is just blood that's been filtered by the kidneys? Dracula: I don't like where this is heading.

Didn’t know I needed Cunk in the MCU.

stop posting your videos from the sphere it's hurting my feelings

Announcing the merger with Titanic footage is an incredible bit

DudeWipes that wipe away dudes

Yes every woman has been harassed, many assaulted. But every woman has also experienced invisible loss from moments she avoided harassment. She felt a space becoming unsafe, so she left, while men stayed on. And in leaving, she lost: opportunities, experiences, learning, promotions, even simply fun.

I’ve been grinding my teeth for over a week. There’s a pile of off-white dust on my desk.

[reads a funny skeet] you son of a bitch

LIFE HACK: become unreachable

cuth pube

just clearing out the drafts while everyone sleeps

[Ms. Rachel voice] WHAT THE FUCK IS UP, DENNY’S?

[Bob Seger voice] 🎵 working on a night poo 🎶

We should be allowed at least 5 days off to focus on watchlists

Here we have a lady trying to feed a baby kitten. And here we have a guy trying to bludgeon the kitten to death with a brick. It is important that we get both people's thoughts on what should be done with the kitten.

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened

Just once I’d like to see John Wick hand a service provider a gold coin and they’re like wtf is this

Joke’s on you, Anthropic. We already caused human extinction.

If you get a sleep score of 100 you die in real life.