sfeitler.bsky.social

THE REFLECTING POOL WAS ATTACKED BY ALGAETATORS. WHEN THEN ARE FOUND THEY WILL BE FORCED TO WALK THE PLANKTON.

If a lorry driver ever cuts me up, I get my revenge by commanding my large dog to ignore them. It doesn't sound that bad, but it's actually a weapon of mastiff truck shun.

Wrens are usually solitary birds but when it’s cold they will sometimes huddle together for warmth. Some people call this a ‘herd’ but technically it’s known as a ‘scene’. That’s because chilled wren should be ‘scene’ and not ‘herd’.

friend, this is Marcus Junius Brutus CAESAR has declared himself DICTATOR FOR LIFE and MUST BE STOPPED can you rush a donation of ten denarii today to show that you STAND WITH THE REPUBLIC?

Fact-Checking The Trump Administration On Venezuela https://theonion.com/fact-checking-the-trump-administration-on-venezuela/

Bari Weiss: Did you kill that piece like I asked? Editor: Yeah boss, right up against the deadline and after a ton of outlets already had access so everyone will want to watch it after you made a big deal about it, just like you asked. Bari Weiss: What?

How long does it take Bari Weiss to destroy journalistic integrity? 60 Minutes. (Sorry if someone already came up with this).

the most cursed nfl franchise is pretty obviously the diamondbacks, who in 1998 were transformed into an arizona baseball team by an evil wizard. i'm surprised this is ever debated

Calibri didn't have to be deleted altogether. It could have been better synchronized with State Department functions. A Calibriation, if you will.

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna https://theonion.com/inconsiderate-woman-on-bus-eating-live-tuna-1819575933/

An early animated series of Guardians of the Galaxy was recently discovered to have been scrapped (proposed to be designed using the old school tile animation). Turns out it was incredibly difficult to match the tile with the Groot.

“I’ll see you in helvetica!” - damning with font praise

The German holidaye pastryes disappeared mysteriouslye -- Authorityes are prettye sure thei were stollen

The musicians at the showe stopped playinge. It was disconcerting.

Armchair critics and door knockers

Dick Dastardly's dog wasn't well so he borrowed another one. It wasn't *exactly* the same, but it was a proxy Muttley.

Every single time the "AI has feelings/Treat AI like a person" discussion comes up I turn into the old man yelling about a lamp.

Look on my woks, (yeah, my tea), and this pear!

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I'm a wee beaver.

My new art installation of a bowl, finely balanced on the edge of a table, is not recommended for those who suffer with a nervous dish position.

There's a good chance that Freddy Krueger has alternative glove attachments for use around the kitchen. I bet he's got a few scary tongs in the closet. #Lunchpun

Stephen King Most Banned Author In U.S. Schools https://theonion.com/stephen-king-most-banned-author-in-u-s-schools/

Inside of you there are two chickens…

A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm.

I decorated a multi-layered cake to cheer my wife up following her reptile phobia diagnosis. She seemed upset but they were only crocodile tiers.

Hope everyone had a great Friday. Trump was impeached, twice.

Thanks to the power of AI we can now visualise what Paul McCartney would look like if he was still alive

New commission finished!! This portrait was requested by the wonderfully lovely Marijke Hennink back in July 2022. I don’t know what he’s called, but I’ve named him Stuart Foundland.

just ate a frank. sorry. i meant a Frank. didn’t relish it but i mustered the courage to do it. took about 5 minutes (Ballpark™️ estimate)

Just finished a book about a bloke trying to stay afloat after falling in the river. Gripping reed...

Fez!

Because I'm in a weird mood, A ported thread: Animals, as described by English translations of their scientific names. Beginning of course with "Bear Bear [Tone Indicator: Horrible]." 🧵

Summer Landscape, Thunder Looms, by Lars Hertervig, 1856, 📸 by @gwephoto

Be it thy course to busy giddy minds With foreign quarrels, that action, hence borne out, May waste the memory of the former days.

gigantic pigeon, way up in a skyscraper. more like a high coo.

*You* might consider it acceptable to count to ten with your socks off in a cabin used to store dried petals & spices, but *I* think it's toe tally in a potpourri hut.

i absolutely do believe that the nba is rigged on some level. just look at the game that's on right now. all the refs are there. the ball's obviously just been inflated. the goals are set up. there's a knicks logo on the floor. they've been planning to play this game for days

[job interview @ Lucky Strike Cigarette Co.] CEO: why would you be a good fit for our company me: jfc what the fuck kind of stupid fucken question is that CEO: i see you have no filter. you can start tomorrow

My wife has bought me a camouflage cover for my dictionary, which is just what I've always wanted. I want to thank her, but I can't find the words.

*ode to dr. seuss* i won’t eat them lightly fried i won’t eat them as a side i won’t eat them from a bag i won’t eat them if you nag i won’t eat them cuz they’re crunchy i won’t eat them as a munchie i don’t care how you adorn it i won’t eat a murder hornet😳

i like my eggs like i like my nose: runny. i like my eggs like i like my tigers: poached. i like my eggs like i like my detectives: hard-boiled. i like my eggs like i like my word search: smarcedbl . i like eggs, is what im saying 😬

knocked my salt shaker over & when i turned back to look at it, i turned into a spiller of salt . folks,,

Genie: What is your wish? Me: That Liam Neeson reprises his role as Bryan Mills. Genie: Taken 4? Granted! Me: I'm sorry, I really appreciate you.