Sunshine Jarboly

Never really been ready to maximize things if I'm honest.

My collection of skincare samples speaks to all of us, if we just let it.

*searching around the criterion closet for around 12 minutes until i turn & look directly at the camera* okay, just show me where tuff turf is.

the line behind me grows longer as cashier at the grocery store repeats my total over & over while i stare blankly off into space wondering who the first dog to reach the top of mount everest will be.

Capricorn: There are questions that people with no imagination should avoid asking. Like, "What's the worst that could happen?”

Gemini: Stop acting like eating all that cheese will fix your problems. You're still a mess.

Aries: You’re trying your best, which makes your situation even more tragic.

haha, yes, everyone has a nickname for their grandmas. for example, i call mine ‘my god! what are you doing alive?! you died many years ago!’

Fuck off, AirBnB. If I wanted a list of chores to do, I'd stay home.

me: i think you guys should name your child orson. my ultra-hipster friend whose wife is pregnant: nah, we’re pretty set on unabomber.

911 operator: stay calm trapped in my mazda 3 with a wolf: no

me: that’s a pretty good bit son’s principal: nevertheless he can’t pretend to be me

Had a dream I was attacked by a female celebrity named Mia Pump

Taking pieces of bread from the bag out of order forever throwing off the symmetry of the loaf

KFC be inventing new parts of chickens

I have a cold.

I want to go to a spa where someone very tall reads Duran Duran lyrics to me while I float in a pool or whatever.

watching a show with this character who threw up on herself and hasn't taken a shower yet, and I found myself yelling in defense of her, "look she's having a bad day, she's doing something," so I'm just letting y'all know that's the state of my union

i hope the description of my death doesn’t include the word ‘apocalyptic.’

when we get to the end there’ll be a slot that takes 4 quarters to start the apocalypse

yeah I ate your Uncrustable. Whatcha gonna do about it

Gather ‘round, kids, let me tell you a story. There was a time when there would be a saxophone solo before the guitar solo, and it made everybody very, very happy. People are gonna tell you not to do drugs but I don’t know, man. I don’t know

*first date* me & my pet iguana are estranged.

Alien: greetings earthling Me: hey Alien: are you not amazed, stunned, and in awe of us? Me: look, I've got a lot going on rn

‘If it is not right, do not do it. If it is not true, do not say it.’ - Marcus Aurelius

Everyone is a mental health professional now so just shut up and listen you toxic narcissist.

I need to make a note for myself to buy more Post-its. There's my dilemma.

The public transportation is so good here that every three to five minutes I miss a perfectly good opportunity to lay on the train tracks

The drugs were so good in the ‘90s that one day some guy said “we should start listening to swing music again” and everyone else was just like “that’s a fucking great idea which isn’t weird at all”

One day my chamberlain, Haricots Vert, brought me some smoked salmon canapés with infused salt instead of finishing salt so I had to let him go.

haha, you’re right, how come some people are all, like, “i just got a huge promotion at work,” & i’m all, like, “how come there’s so much water in my car?”

3:12 am. i’m in a deep slumber. my wife stares at me as i repeat the phrase ‘houston, we have a problem’ over & over because i’m dreaming about being at an ice cream parlor & they forgot to put chocolate syrup on my banana split.

The older I get, the more commas I need.

Doing a good job and getting a blazer as a prize is a pretty good system.

The Nightmare on Elm Street movies always put me in a good mood.

I don't think I'll ever need a sledgehammer, except maybe as a conversation piece.

Staring at a chandelier is the best way to meditate.

Is there a possible downside to all of us permanently losing our minds

All standing pangolins look like Bob Cratchit asking for Christmas day off.

i hope the description of my death doesn’t include the word ‘steamroller.’

Many years ago I was all but certain I had seen a UFO. Driving alone on a remote highway late at night I saw a strange light above me, and for a few minutes it kept pace overhead before disappearing into the ether. Anyway that was the day I learned Florida uses airplanes to dish out speeding tickets

I'm finished playing stupid games. I seem to recall some mention of stupid prizes..?