Nuclear Winter

Great, now we have to deal with October.

so distraught I tried leaping into a volcano but the kids at this science fair just look annoyed

bonking myself on the head with a mallet just to feel something

respectfully calling sonic mr. the hedgehog

an order of fries but instead of ketchup you dip them in blood (just as salty)

Googling what to do when winged skeleton creatures are nesting in your garage

out of all the muppets, elmo is one L away from becoming emo

i hope the description of my death doesn’t include the word ‘apocalyptic.’

me: i think you guys should name your child orson. my ultra-hipster friend whose wife is pregnant: nah, we’re pretty set on unabomber.

The buck may not always stop here but the does tend to linger

The second you get to the top of the escalator in a crowded place, stop. Don't move just stand, slack jawed and look around while you decide where you want to go next. Don't worry about the crushing masses on the escalator behind you trying to get past you. Those are just NPCs. This is YOUR moment.

looking to hire a murder of crows to murder one particular crow

You can’t be all up in a Sagittarius’s little sagittarium. They get all sagittated.

Halloween candy is expensive this year so I’ll just be handing out razorblades

holding auditions for my next evil sidekick

You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that likes kissing humans

What are we going to do about the parasites draining our life-force and destroying humanity the other 364 days of the year.

Oh you want me to go see the movie everyone is talking about? Go see it at a cinema? The place where they literally drive a train at you?? not gonna happen lol 😂

nothing scarier than gravestone decorations on halloween. oooo these guys were given a proper burialllll

This is one of the best selfies of all time. Original post

Men only want one thing and it's disgusting. Every pair of Liam Gallagher's sunglasses.

Asking the magic 8 ball if I have mites.

Friend: AI is rapidly depleting our natural resources. Me: *shrug* Friend: Some AI researchers have warned it could destroy the human race. Me: Oh well. Friend: It’s risky to use em dashes now because your writing could be flagged as AI-generated. Me: THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR!

top complaints from prospective buyers/renters on house hunters international: 1- the presence of ‘stairs’ 2- no bathtub 3- doesn’t have the charm we imagined 4- too far from city center 5- too close to city center 6- too many demons 7- not enough ghosts

Congrats to Tuppence Middleton, who played my grandmother in MANK

Stuck in the teeth of the gears as they grind.

Some days you can’t help but wonder if you’re the MySpace Tom of your friend group

In an alternate timeline, he was known as Vlad the Crocheter.