Algonquin K Farquharstein II

Every serving had 37 beans in it.

Go ahead, say edamame hummus one more time, I dare you.

A Chaps pit beef sandwich would fix me.

It's pronounced Farquharsteen

*knocks on door* Me: Hi, do you have a minute to talk about our lord and savior, Dom DeLuise?

They're quote posting you in the quote posts bro.

It's National Lie Down For A Bit Day

We're only borrowing the universe's atoms for a while before we have to give them back. Accumulate as many of them as you can. Grow a big fat ass.

Impunity: When fairies gather around a single cause.

If you rake leaves over my grave I'll reach up and grab your ankles. But it's just my little joke; I won't drag you to hell kids, I promise.

I’m not religious because I’ve never found holy teachings that include macaroni and cheese.

The Cpl. Agarn costume stays on during sex, including the hat.

Have you ever pushed when you should have pulled in the pale moonlight?

When I was a pants-wearer, I spake as a pants-wearer, I understood as a pants-wearer, I thought as a pants-wearer: but when I became a being of infinite light, I put away pants-wearing things.

When Churchill famously said, "Beer me, I'm pooped," I felt that.

Some of you have never been and it shows

i think chicken pot pie should get you high

Paying $9.99 a month to hear the hissing sound of a blank cassette tape.

i'm at my most ninja when I put on my shozoko, sneak into your castle, and assassinate your Daimyo with my tantō.

My skeets are not "content." They're little cocoons of my mind which transform into cosmic butterflies when you read them.

Can’t rn, skankin it slow

*moves to Sandwich, UK *lives happily ever after bc I really like sandwiches

[first date] Me: Are you gonna eat those shrimp tails?

Maybe a hot dog scrambled egg burrito with cheese will help.

The loan shark’s question was a good one: do I ever want to walk again?

Last night I told my friend I’m trying not to eat carbs **got drunk, ate 3 carburetor’s

I want to go to a spa where someone very tall reads Duran Duran lyrics to me while I float in a pool or whatever.

*first date* me & my pet iguana are estranged.

*letting out a sigh so long that it travels to the fridge, gets a snack, & reclines on the couch

I put my pants on like everyone else: I don't.

Pot. When I was in high school it was skank weed full of stems & seeds that you had to risk jail time to get. Now it's big juicy buds with names like Northern Lights OG that get delivered to your house. I haven't seen a seed in a decade.

buddhistly killing a man in reno just to watch him escape samsara

[scene] *the ghost of Walter Cronkite walks in and takes a big steamy dump right on Wolf Blitzer's desk during a live broadcast of The Situation Room then floats away <fin>

Sneaking a fully grown Saguaro cactus into the movies

*on Facebook oh cool what platform is streaming your uncle’s wake?

Maybe this is a good time to start selling my "People Be Trippin'" t-shirts. Seems like the market is ready.

i love QR code. i wont scan them but i believe they are a living animal

Just walked in on my pants wearing another pair of pants

If Werner Herzog directed a Star Wars film would it be called Sithcarraldo? Yes, I think it would.

I'm not just shitposting online, I'm here to fulfill my digital purpose.

You'll be reading Cervantes fluently in six months.