VeX

Prof Wafflington contemplates Proust

Bug out or get the fuggout!

Liberty Biberty gets all the heat these days but I still maintain my number one insurance mascot related goal is to skewer the geico gecko and rotisserie him over binchotan charcoal while I brush his corpse a yuzu-ginger soy reduction glaze

The literacy crisis in America has gotten so dire that many people will admit completely shamelessly that they skip the fiction in the New Yorker

Ranch! Ranch! Devolution!

Change My View: "bird" is underrated as a funny word. It is demonstrably funnier than "pants" or "taco".

...my new novel, Autumn & Empire

Fuck off, I'm talking to America!

Parasocial parasites

Bringin a cue ball to a snowball fight

I need to see a female Morrissey impersonator. I wonder if that's a thing that exists.

Tiredness scale: 1 -- Bright eyed and bushy tailed. 5 -- Wednesday at 1 PM 10 -- After a college all-nighter 27 -- My cat currently

Can't help but notice that today's musicians are a lot less focused on pumping things up (volume, jam, etc) than their forebears. Continuing to monitor the situation.

If I was a giant monster attacking a city, I would totally use porta-potties as projectiles.

I had the best time at a party last night until a local told me that bar burned down thirty years ago.

Saw your man get swallowed and spat back out by a malevolent elm in the Haunted grove

Will you comb a cat in a catacomb?

When I was maybe fifteen, there was a huge controversy about a cowboy statue in front of the library that included realistic horse testicles. It's dumb as fuck but it kinda explains everything in politics for the last three decades.

we can upgrade el niño to el hombre

In retrospect it probably should have been a red flag that a motivational poster saying “move fast and break things” was hanging in my chiropractor’s office

DKNYPD

Anything can be a pizza if you're hungry enough.

thinking about the time we spent the summer fighting a colony of yellow jackets and my wife said “i think i’m just going to get a bee suit and go in there” to which my nine year old replied “thats ridiculous! bees aren’t just gonna….not sting you cause you look like one of them”

Centaurs are actually insects

People don't tell each other to "scram" as often as they used to. Just one of many things we need to look into

𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘉--𝘉𝘜𝘛 𝘏𝘜𝘎𝘌. 𝘚𝘐𝘡𝘌 𝘖𝘍 𝘊𝘖𝘞. 𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘙𝘜𝘋𝘌. 𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘉--𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘎𝘖𝘓𝘋𝘌𝘕. 𝘛𝘖𝘖 𝘉𝘐𝘎 𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘍𝘖𝘙 𝘏𝘖𝘓𝘋𝘐𝘕𝘎. 𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘉--𝘊𝘖𝘙𝘙𝘜𝘗𝘛. 𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘏𝘜𝘎𝘌 𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘉 𝘉𝘈𝘉𝘠 𝘓𝘈𝘔𝘉 𝘊𝘏𝘌𝘌𝘒𝘚 𝘐𝘕 𝘔𝘠 𝘏𝘈𝘕𝘋𝘚, 𝘌𝘕𝘊𝘜𝘗𝘗𝘌𝘋 "traditional desert poem", unknown

BREAKING NEWS: “Do geese see God” is a palindrome

In the heyday of Opus Dei, the Opus heydei as it were, the ....

I get wanting to have a translation of the Bible that speaks to modern readers, but changing "blessed" to "based" in the beatitudes seems like it's going a bit far.

why are you eating all those french fries [me] you told me to hydrate what [me] car-bo-hydrate its right there in the word

There should be an app where you enter the high school you went to and what year you graduated, and it'll tell you who in your class became cops.

Check out the new cover from my Electro-Country band, Nasty Ranch. "Choosin Texas (Debbie Does Dallas mix)"

New report of rogue AIs choosin Texas

one time my grandma used an american express traveler’s check to buy a live bald eagle from sears.

bad news babe a rogue openai agent must have hacked our refrigerator last night and drank 15 beers

I think you misunderstood me, I trade cum oddities.

Making soup out of all these thoughts and prayers

Everyone has that friend who dabbled in the dark arts and accidentally trapped their roommate in the mirror realm

“taste the meat, not the heat” i whisper as i stick my dick into the toaster oven

There are two types of people in the world: people who eat paste and people who sniff glue.

I wonder if there's a divide in the arson community between those who do it for insurance fraud and shit vs the ones who do it for the love of the game

Used to be we were all watching the same teevee. Now each of us got our own teevee to watch what we want, it ain't the same.

In early drafts of LotR, he was called Gandalf the Gary. There is a lost chapter where he dines with Robert the Bruce at Ruth's Chris steakhouse.

If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month

Mealy Dan

What a time to be a semi-sentient meat sack hurling through space.