lisabug

Waffles are pancakes that pressed their face on a chain link fence.

Making eye contact with a chicken nugget smothered in ranch dressing as I slowly lean in for the kiss cam.

She was thrilling, like a fall down the stairs.

find something beautiful and protect it from everything that isn’t

Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next free food samples.

Maybe I don’t want to organize and declutter my life.

nothing is more beautiful than something not trying to be anything else

“Costco gas and a hot dog?” - me, flirting.

I was staring at a 98-inch TV at Costco when I realized I was staring at myself staring at a 98-inch TV at Costco.

Fondly remembers my childhood… “Lisa, get up and change the channel on the idiot box!”

If you like a pretty face… VOTE GREG! shitsky38.com/vote

Build-A-Bear, but when you show up with your kid you’re horrified to learn that it’s a trademark-infringing taxidermy service.

*looking back and forth between a pizza and a salad as they both pat their thighs and say here boy cmon come here boy*

[traffic stop] Cop: What’s your hurry, son? Me: I was stuck behind an old guy driving 14mph for 15 blocks and I’d like to get home before the heat death of the universe occurs. Cop: I’ll give you an escort.

“Hurry up, Arnold! The wolf just took down your brother’s house and it looks like he’s headed this way!”

Always wanted to see Norway but I can’t affjord it.

I carved my pin on the tree near the cash machine. Not going through that hassle again.

Age is not an indicator of a persons intelligence, i explain to the fireman trying to free my head from the revolving door

My DNA results confirmed I'm 23% Filipino, 27% Mexican, and 50% the plastic covering on my grandma’s couch.

My credit card bill stood in the corner watching me as I pretended to sleep.

“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”

My cat scratched at the bathroom door so I let her in, but once she was in she seemed to forget why she’d wanted in, and I felt that.

Me at dinner on a first date: I'm not answering any more questions without a lawyer.

Her: I don't want to alarm you... Me: *alarmed to the max*

Riverdance but with spiders in tiny tap shoes

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

getting the contents of my head scooped out like a pumpkin becoming a jack-o-lantern could fix me

HI NEW PFP BC LOOKIT HOW TALENTED OUR 14 YEAR OLD IS ➙ @pringlesupreme.bsky.social

coin collectors should be called coinnoisseurs

A vacuum seal is just a seal trained to do housework.

I didn't choose the thug life, it chose me. Just kidding, I came in late to career day and it was the only thing left.

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

I wouldn’t say I hold a grudge but I hope it rains on your viking funeral.

Just renewed my lease on not having a life

The meat from our BBQ was so tough, yet at times tender, as a gentle breeze wafted through the night sky.

You realize when that robot was asking you to pick out tree pictures, that AI bot was picking your pocketbook.

I found a voodoo doll covered in pins on my doorstep. Lucky me, they used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.