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I try to be nicer on line than I am because there is a written version. The spoken word can be denied but once it's in writing, it persists.

So for me, it’s part my personality that doesn’t get much play in everyday life. For others, it might be more about feeling powerful, when in real life most of us are powerless

True enough. I’m an asshole offline, though. So it’s ok..

Related: people pretending that (speaking/writing) words aren't actions really grind my gears. mf, the -ing is right there.

That's something I love about Fuzzy Nation. The protagonist is self-admittedly an asshole... but he was the right asshole for the job, fighting for a good cause against much bigger assholes.

Definitely have some social media habits based on kindness. I don't even quote posts I disagree with greatly from small accounts, as I view the pile-on that may happen as mean.

A store owner with whom I was acquainted golfed with Rush Limbaugh, and she told me that he was really OK because he didn't believe any of the stuff he spouted on TV. I told her that made him even worse.

Once upon a time, probably not quite 20 years ago, someone defended an online asshole to me by saying he was really nice to them and the other friends they'd met up with in person. I said that made him even worse, because it meant he was choosing to be an asshole to me on purpose.

👍

I can’t even be mean/become Sith in video games when you can choose. Can’t be a shit to digital folks, can’t be a shit to online folks. Which means I’m an angel since neitherof y’all exist….

Sadly Facebook existing kind of disproves it, I think it's more the safety of the screen between you and the target, not the lack of real name, workplace, hometown, etc. attached

Yeah, I love shit-posting anonymously and exercising a little id sometimes, but that's so much different than constantly arguing online or being a dick. Bsky is great for discouraging the latter and encouraging the former.

Oh very much so. That plus they don't really think that a person is on the end reading it. Very occasionally you'll actually respond to something hateful and you can see genuine shock and remorse in their tone when you're like 'hey, what you said sucks'.

This phenomenon is something which extends beyond the internet. When people drive in cars alone they will often abusively curse another driver, to themselves, alone in their car. But the same person would never do so in an elevator if cut off. Somehow people feel as free to abuse online as if alone.

I don't wanna think back on my behavior in those early days of social media. I could be a real asshole sometimes. I don't know what got into me.

I also think being a situational arsehole is actually worse because it means you choose to be that way on purpose

I had to give up on a few people because they were friends with someone who said the most vile, bigoted, intentionally hurtful shit online.

I didn’t know the prior online version of you, but I imagine it was much like Tom Nichols in the here and now - very smart, very smug, and very much an asshole.

We like you better too, John (although your cat still flinches when the word "bacon" is mentioned).

I had an enlightening conversation with someone in a friend group back at school (pre-social media). He was borderline a bully around others, but a nice guy solo. I pointed it out to him one day, and he thought about it and acknowledged the behaviour, and then said he wasn’t going to change.

I find that people are much more polite around me in person than online... but that's likely because they perceive that I might be the one doing the punching if they test my tolerance of intolerant behaviour. 🤣 I'm generally a pleasant person who's safe to be around... unless you're a bully.

Reminds me of that prize that Bill Maher and his dinner with Trump, the sum of all vices.

Yup. I hate that version of myself. Some things just trigger me and I turn into a madman. Literally. In the car and sometimes online. I recognize it and am working on myself.🫤

It's like when you point out how rude your friend's S.O. is and all they can say is "but [they're] nice to me!"

It's an expected learned outcome of their mindset. They act in a way to get what they want. Sometimes it's abuse, sometimes it's flattery. Neither way respects the agency of the person they're interacting with. Once you see that pattern, you can't un-see it, and it's everywhere.

My spouse and I talk a lot about his online persona circa 2002 compared to now. "2002 Matty" was a real dick. 2026 Matty is a kinder, gentler, more mature version.

I'm so much more of an asshole on twitter than here since I don't dare use my actual name and face there

There’s good faith misunderstandings that deserve more modelled patience and the Long Conversation. And then there are repeat mansplainers and entrenched bigots.

I'm mean to certain people online and also I 100% will get in their face irl, this body be damned. Other than that, I am kind and have improved at being a good listener to understand people.

I kind of see social media as peoples' inside voices but interacting with the outside world, and therefore if they are being awful on social media its simply holding up a mirror to who they really are

its not real anonymity if someone wanted to dig they'd find you out probably pretty quickly if they know what you're doing but it "feels" anonymous cause you're just some rando on the internet

Online bullies are always cowards.

I am so completely not different IRL than what you see online. I mean who has the time and the energy to maintain that kind of full-time mask?! If you know me online you'd recognize me instantly in person. Just sayin'. I can be outspoken about things in both arenas, just a tad shyer about it IRL...

John Gabriel's Greater Internet Fuckwad Theory

Of course they’re really nice in person. That’s what makes the con work. That’s what a psychopath is.

Character is who you are when no one is watching

I am the same in both, but probably nicer now at 63 than I would have been at 25 when faced with fascists. Now it is a reasoned argument, then it was fists and a brick. Sometimes I miss the old me, but I am getting on a bit and not Ellene Cole.

A good friend of mine said "How people behave online is who they really are. Their behaviour without fear or consequence is a true test of their character without needing to go for a meal with them."

This seems similar to the "if he's not nice to the waitress, but he's nice to you, he's not a nice person" argument that's been going around forever. If they are nice and polite in person, but a raging racist, fascist, bigot in online debate, they are not a nice and polite person.

What you do online is a part of real life. Social media, the things you say online? They tell us who you are. So no, you don’t get a buy because you want to otherwise hide who you are.

I love how fuckers like that get the benefit of the doubt but I'm treated like shit for being too sincere

I know that I try to leave an impression online so that people will know what they’re getting if they meet me in person. Ideally, that impression will be a positive one, making such a meeting go more easily for me

Online behavior is equivalent to behavior of people without the constraints of society, when there are no consequences, when they fell anonymous, when they feel un-restrained. This is there true self, if they are nice in person it is a lie. They are deeply an asshole, and always have been.

I mean, yes...but this medium (social media in general) isn't really designed to bring out the best in people, either. It's priority is to drive engagement to create more content, and people stay engaged more when they're angry or outraged. The format and algorithms are calculated to encourage that.

This extremely related gem from @indyfromspace.bsky.social was right before your post in my feed

It's Jon Gabriel's Greater Internet Dickwad Theory.