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Damn this one got me

You're on fucking notice, Ash

That’s like half the white guys south of the Mason Dixon line.

Also ex-military ppl have never been rash or unreasonable after being dishonorably discharged for reasons they felt were unfair.

Goodbye, Shannon, Pat, Chris, Leslie, Bailey, Alex, Blake, Cameron, Jaden, and Jesse!

Well that’s my entire life plan down the drain. I demand to speak to the manager!

No Marions(a/k/a John Wayne)? No Lindseys?

Just as funny with the real. U.S Military bans men who pose as women. Mash it.

Tragedy for boys named Aubrey, Casey, and Mackenzie

Don't give them any ideaa, lol

Not Ashley Wilkes!!!

Pat, Chris, Sam, Robin, Alex, take a hike 😆😏

Your birth certificate clearly states your name is Leslie, get tf out of here with your woke Liberal nickname, Les

For a moment, I didn't realize this was The Onion

Commented then realized who it was lolol.

To whoever wrote this, I love you

Ok gonna be honest skimmed past this article after just waking up and thought it was real till I just reread that it was the onion 💀

Marion Morrison was scared of war anyway.

Didn't see the account at first, honestly thought it was real lol.

Got me again, far too plausible with the current administration. Well done

At this point I think you may be giving them ideas...

Does this mean Hulk Hogan would be dishonorably discharged if he joined today?

You're taking jobs from @duffelblog.bsky.social ! 🙂

And Kelly.

Definition of insanity.

I thought this was fake...wow...wtf

"All these Shellys and Dakotas are a liability." 🤣🤣🤣🤣

🤭🤣

I guess they are going to double delete Jackie Robinson's bio?

i legit thought this was real T_T ( I know they are banning transgender people sadly, but I wouldn't of put it passed them to even do this ) "Sorry Sam, we gotta let you go, your name reminds me of my girlfriend"

See, this really is an anti-war administration after all! Because in the long run, all names become girl names.

Don't call me Shirley. www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlj...

By Leslie, Jamie,Jean,Shannon Lou , Bobby, lol🙌🏻

Call me crazy but they would’ve won the war in Afghanistan if they had more girls in combat roles. The Taliban are scared sh@tless of being shot by a woman. 😁😂

So if there is ever a new draft, and you don't want to be drafted, change your name to a girl's name.

Sorry, Sue. (IYKYK 😉)

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Bye Felicia

It's a joke about miltary culture

U.S. Military Bans Men With Girl Names From Combat filthee.news

Getting so hard to tell whether this is a new story or a joke.

Check the source. 🤣

Sounds like a win.

I genuinely thought this was coming from a real newspaper until I read the account name.

You answered your own question. You're born to be whatever you want to become or evolve into. Either you Believe in your TRUE self or you allow society or government to bully you to become something you don't want to be.

Finally

Now I know why The Onion wanted to buy Infowars: the tagline ”Tomorrow’s news today” actually applies here!

#LadyG not amused

This is absolute genius, @bencollins.bsky.social

The Onion does it again. I actually thought this was real for a second.

Sorry Lindsey…🤣

Only a matter of time before this is literally true. They're gonna start purging people based on Wikipedia's list of female names.

Will Miss Lindsay have her veteran status revoked?

Good one.

Imma need a fact check to confirm this is actually satire.

So am I in with 'Aaron', or out because it still sounds like 'Erin' 🤔

Yall keep getting my ass I swear😭

Isn't Lindsey a girl's name?

Yup, I just ate the onion...

Ok then, I ban war. Yay! my body won't explode.

You got me. This brilliant little bit of satire is far too realistic. Even Marion Robert Morrison would laugh.

Pat, is that you?

I out then!

Imagine what conscription would look like at this point.

The first four letters of “Lisan al-Gaib” are a girls name. Muad’Dib REBUKED for being A LITTLE QUEERMO.

This will absolutely be an executive order by summer! 😂

I'd recognize that nose anywhere.

Things have become so fucked up and clowny in the US its hard to distinguish truth from satire

My name can be used as a male and a female name. GGs Trump. Can't draft me now

That's why Lindsay Graham never served.

This is stupid enough to be true.

Ah, that’s me out then. No masc Piper’s with a pipe can fight for Uncle Sam 😔

Oh, good. Now, can we ban men with small penis's. Our military should only have real men. Then, let's test DNA for testosterone, Y, and X chromosomes. This way we can establish a minimum we will accept to be viewed as men. All the others? Unload those pansys

If that would make a difference. America is sucking extremely badly, not because of a male with a female name but because of those males with so manly names who are ridiculously destroying their own country and ignoring the tue problems. The same here in 🇪🇺, but at least not with such stupid themes.

It wouldn’t surprise me.

I'd change my boy name to a girl name immediately.

Dylan has almost completely dropped off baby name lists . Deportation is our first form of defense against Gender - Neutral names .

🤣😂🤣😂

Jordan, Dana, Leslie, Francis. You're out! Pat and Alex, stand by. We're waiting to hear back from Justice.

Totally ridiculous…

What?! This administration is insane!

Again, thought this was real…..

It's about time. I don't trust some dude named Jan to protect my fat ass.

This would be funny if it wasn’t so awful.

Like Marion, or Donald.

That includes me, I think! Lol glad I’m not the brother that went in the military

youtu.be/5iqaZoiL1as?...

Next thing you know, only men with 2 first names will be eligible for the infantry. Names like Joe Bob, John Boy, or Billy Bob.

You got me today. Thought it was real news till I clicked on the link

Who's going to tell Jamie Farr?

That was worth reading until the last line.

It’s getting increasingly hard to tell…

I read the Onion, read the headline, shook my head like it was real, read the Onion again. Lol

No joke. I did, too.

Nor can we separate the sweet from the sour at a Panda express.

Johnny Cash spinning in his grave.

Camille is a Man's name!

The boy named Sue is about to have an EXCELLENT reason to avoid serving in the military

bsky.app/profile/help...

But girls with boys names are still totally fine lmao

i almost got got

Wait... Whaaaaat??? Does that also include unisex name? This is so odd... 😑

Great Lindsey G bombshell at the end. Once again, well done, @theonion.com, for staying a half step ahead of the fast-moving curve

We making it back to kindergarten with this one

Had to check for The Onion's logo as at first I thought this was straight up news. Difficult these days for their writers to stay ahead of the crazy that is the Trump regime.

Now you know (in real life) with using an algorithm to root out women and people of color, that women's name's are also coming up that are actually guys... i.e Kim, Jordan, Jamie and Stacey just to name a few

Word.

I scrolled down the replies just to see if I would have to post Kamille myself or if someone had already done it.

That is Terry-ble