Julie Lavender Menace

Now, a message from Rev. Thurl H. Ravenscrof: Vodka Shot Bingo, I guess. 7p to floor.... Whatever. We should just stay in tonight. I'm a disgrace. I lost my honorary doctorate AND my Netflix subscription. God bless.

I panicked when I had to list some personal references. All I could come up with was the cast of Sanford And Son and a couple of Santa's reindeer.

Remember, a T-Rex costume is not just for Halloween. It's for doctor's visits, staff meetings, bowling alleys, jury duty, church

Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree would have played out differently if Rabbit’s House was in WeHo. Sorry

Most arrangements are edible, including the ones made of eels.

I don’t feel well, but mostly because I’ve completely ruined my life.

Darting back and forth around the snowplough driveway markers like they are weave poles on a dog agility course

*twirls hair Soooo, is there a mister, “I fuckin hate you, Ben?”

I need a new hobby, maybe I’ll become one of those guys who like to get kicked in the balls.

I will not make beef involtini for anyone to talk about depressing news in front of me do you know how much beef costs these days everything’s insane

But babe what’s a para-dig-uhm shift?

Don’t bitch that I steal your hoodie, rejoice that I leave the best surprises in the pocket of it

The worst part of this rainy weather is it gives the moon cloud cover while it hunts you.

I like burgers because you can lift the bun and see what you've got. They could be putting anything in those wraps, like healthy stuff.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

Not to brag but I know a thing or two about fuckin' shit up.

Which of your friends is most likely to drop an anvil on your head? Were you looking for the helper? Because that's the helper.

I only want to be conscious enough to appreciate being unconscious.

Sorry I missed your phone call, but you know what today is. I was busy chasing the clouds away and such.

Today’s highlight

in a hundred years people are going to refer to this as the 'trumpian era' and us as 'trumpists'. i don't think that's fair though, you shouldn't judge a civilization by the other members of that civilization.

If you rake leaves over my grave I'll reach up and grab your ankles. But it's just my little joke; I won't drag you to hell kids, I promise.

At the Dog family reunion do wolves acknowledge Chihuahuas are their cousin??

That old catchphrase was right. It was no moon, it was a space station. Tides are a robot. Moods are what you plug into. The mysteriously romantic ambience of night, good old fashioned jailbreaks for kissing

Buying up all the circus peanuts to make an edible foam pit

Bring your lightsabers to our Sunday screening of Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan just to piss off the nerds.

People watching Singin' In The Rain while the roof was leaking got a 4D experience they didn't pay for. We don't tolerate deadbeats.

"That dust must be delicious," she whispers as another one bites it once more.

We say "the human heart" when we want to discuss it as a collective abstract but if we do not individually and concretely talk about collective abstract health it'll DIE

They follow me around with seismic meters, these weird little folks in coveralls and helmets. But they'll be lucky if they record even a tremor. Their spreadsheets are empty and I have been dormant for too long.

"Can I get a limb check on aisle 3?" *Intercom static* "There are five, boss." "An uneven number of limbs?" *Intercom static* "We're an arm over, boss." *Intercom cuts out*

I don't actually like waking up with a cranberry bog in my head. I feel like it's too much of an invitation for people to come in and slosh around in their waders.