THE Burger King

Everyone else is doing it, so I might as well do it too. go.bsky.app/ERJL1qL

Why is it called a sorority house and not a sistered living?

I forgot to snap the tongs before I barbecued once and my whole family got sick for a week

*getting taught a lesson by some mobsters that I owe a lot of money to* please, not my scrolling thumb

Showing my goth cat autopsy photos to win his love back.

Hey, did you know Instagram now has teen accounts?

"The world is a vampire..." This is a ball pit, Billy. "Secret destroyers..." Just kids, Billy. "I AM STILL JUST A RAT IN A CAGE!" Touché.

BREAKING: USDA warning: do not consume any food.

Looking forward to having to make a cost-benefit analysis on whether to pay for a gallon of gas or a roll of toilet paper.

Can we just skip to the "soylent green is people" part already?

ME: *holds ‘em* KENNY ROGERS: not yet ME: *folds ‘em* KENNY ROGERS: too soon ME: *starts to walk away* KENNY ROGERS: *pulls out gun* ME: *runs*

me: (asking for help) please get away from me

I lied. There’s no sex. Get dressed, we have to find the Ark of the Covenant

Damon Lindelof in every writers room: What if we killed off the main character?

COSTCO: here, try this ME: oh yummy COSTCO: so you like it? ME: yes, it's delicious COSTCO: well, we don’t sell it anymore and you'll never see it again.

I cut my dryer sheets in half. I'm pretty sure this is how Warren Buffett saved his first million.

It’s the dog days of summer and that dog is Cerberus.

I won't even begin to take your on-the-spot news tiktok seriously if your tiny microphone doesn't have a cute fuzzy pop filter.

How do Australians clean their butts? Bidet, mate!

"I- I'm so sorry! That's never happened before!" Peter Parker stammers as he futilely tries to pull his web-encrusted hands from MJ's chest.

Harry Osborn: *falls out of tree* Peter Parker: Did you see her? Did you see MJ? Harry: I spied her, man! Peter: 💡

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

Orc: The Uruk-Hai are ready, my lord. Saruman (played by Billy Crystal): U-RUK MAHVELOUS!

Easy money hack: because a car loses 15% of its value the moment you drive it off the lot, just don't. Only drive the car in circles around the lot, without ever leaving. Take up residence in one of the dealership's back offices. Start dating Tina from the sales desk. Boom, 15% saved, you're welcome

Still can't believe that for the first 50 years of television, we were wasting our time watching the fake housewives of various cities.

who do we want? the funk soul brother when do we want him? right about now

Person who has never seen a Christopher Nolan film: I'm not going to see The Odyssey because it's woke.

One problem I have with every recipe is where is the step for crying

[Abercrombie] Salesperson: Can I help you find anything today? Me: Yeah, where are the NON-slim pants? *I am beaten in the alley by shirtless hunks*

The Odyssey? More like The Odd to See Those Actors in Their Roles, am I right?

Technically, laying in the morgue is still "hospitalized".

WIFE: how does this house get so dirty so fast? ME: *rollerblading through the kitchen while eating nachos* the kids are gross

A giant handing out pink slips really makes you stand up and take notice.

People may think Asteroid Day is unnecessary, but really it's for the crater good.

You've hooba'ed your last stank.

Me: My favorite dog breed which reminds me that my brother has a daughter is the Have-a-niece. Shelter employee: Not this guy again.

This is the one, The New Yorker!

It's always may cause "drowsiness" what about whimsy