Rob Cee

The enemy of my enemy is also an asshole.

Despite the numerous jobs I've had over the years, I have to say the most rewarding was being a mother.

I'll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I've felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

I was certain that I'd discovered a shorter route to Canada by way of Philadelphia, but apparently I mixed up Canada with Camden again.

Thinking about going to prison so I can learn to play the harmonica.

Baseball is a funny game... when your team is winning.

Nuclear wessels!

Applying for a handicapped parking placard for when I have boo-boo belly.

congrats to new US Secretary of War Nicki Minaj

There is no "fall back"-- there is only Zuul.

Paging @jennydoesntknow.bsky.social .

You can always tell when a funeral is for a basketball player by the sound of all the squeaking shoes.

After completing his stint as president of the United States from 1953-1961, Dwight David Eisenhower retired to a quiet private life of playing lead guitar in pioneering psychedelic rock band, Pink Floyd.

The B in Michael B. Jordan stands for Biberty.

You can always tell when a funeral is for a basketball player by the sound of all the squeaking shoes.

(some diggity required)

🎶He had one bâtard! Soft and warm in his hand

*singer from Foreigner at Jersey Mike's* 🎵I need a MEAT. BALL. HEROoo🎵

They’re shutting down horse and carriage rides in NYC. Sorry guys, you’ll have to think of some other super romantic way to breathe in hot diarrhea air

[Mike Tirico calling the kick return from Dark Knight Rises] one time I followed a colleague to her home after she rejected my advances

After completing his stint as president of the United States from 1953-1961, Dwight David Eisenhower retired to a quiet private life of playing lead guitar in pioneering psychedelic rock band, Pink Floyd.

Air Bud sequels should have been: -Water Bud -Fire Bud -Earth Bud -Bud, The Last Airbender

*watching Goodfellas* Oh, dear! These fellas that are depicted here don't seem very good at all!

Me [looking in the mirror]: This is AI slop.

Jennifer Love Hewitt is in this? Shiiiiiiit, they shoulda called this movie “Garfield: A Tale of Big Titties”

If I were a drug dealer, I would confound the police and avoid prosecution by explicitly labeling all bags I sold as "NOT DRUGS."

Curiously, in Alaska, all roads lead to Nome.

Dallas, Santa Barbara, Knot's Landing... soap operas always used to be based on ritzy-sounding places. For some reason, no one in Hollywood wants to hear my pitch for a drama called Lower Schenectady.

Italian ice is just regular ice that talks with its hands a lot.

It would be in bad taste to joke about the unrest in France (even if you think it would be a riot.)

were the drops of jupiter in her hair just cum?

Spicing things up in the bedroom tonight with a little roleplay. She's a nurse who loves to give sponge baths, and I'm Liberty Biberty.

Old man staring, not driving. I swear I have eyebrows-- they just vanish in daylight.

The dogs are presenting a PowerPoint presentation that eating the cats poop is an example of a symbiotic relationship in nature, but I'm skeptical. I'll hear them out though.

Don't go answerin' robocalls Please stick to the contacts and the friends that you're used to

Surgery to replace parts of injured or worn-out knee joints= knee replacement. Someone new being hired to play Mulder on X-Files= Duchovny replacement.

Medicinal chicken Alfredo

Broke up with Ellen on our walk through the corn maze. It's been an awkward 2 hours.

I would happily denounce the Muslim brotherhood if you'd just do the damn dishes, Cheryl.

Can't explain why, but I believe candy corn is what happens to marshmallow peeps when they sit out for 6 months.

Any conditioner can be leave-in conditioner if you have ADHD

Movie --> Porn Parody My Stepmother Is An Anal Fan