No Trick or Treat Pony

I have a dirty mind because I won't submit to brainwashing.

There's no radicchio in this salad! This is radicchio-less!

Have you ever had a discussion with a flat earther?

Me [looking in the mirror]: This is AI slop.

Some people go their whole lives never finishing a bottle of Worcestershire sauce.

We got a Tonal home gym at the end of 2021, and I recently crossed the 9 million pounds lifted mark. The numbers aren't really a goal, the real goal for fitness is consistency. Figure out a schedule that you can do forever, and do it forever. #fitsky

Looking forward to the Whalefall sequel, Bowl of Petunias Fall.

"A long time ago in a galaxy NEAR... and FAR! FAR AWAY!" - Jedi Master Grover, absolutely exhausting Luke Skywalker during his first day of training.

Love, Actually For Tax Purposes

My friend has been wanting to hang out too much, so I took him into the shop to get him adjusted. They gave me a loner. I really like it.

This little girl has all the genes: point, tabby, calico, dilute.

Papa Troll watching Paw Patrol.

"Lord Pinky?" *takes deep drag on cigarette* *coughs for half an hour*

"This sausage tastes funny." "Funny how? Like it's made from a clown? Because it's not. It's absolutely not clown sausage."

How do I tell when my goth girlfriend isn't mad at me?

Me : why cant siri understand me Also me :

If Hollywood Star Susan Haywood can poop, so can you!

Met a new cat this #caturday morning. Gave her a snack and some pets.

This one keeps coming back up.

Looking in a mirror at midnight and chanting Where's Waldo? Where's Waldo? Where's Waldo?

Watch me closer, micromanager Note the deadlines for this Friday.

[to the tune of Tiny Dancer] Please be patient Student driver

“Why are you using viagra when you could be using Vick’s vapo rub?” Is a new one for me

You can have it all. My empire of squirt. - handwritten sign next to VHS porn collection on flea market table

Nyack, NJ was named by Curly from the Three Stooges.

Another #thirstyThursday where I'm not posting a selfie, which leaves you thirsty for one, right?

Whenever I get a massage, my brain always thinks, "What if this turns sexual?" And I know it's stupid, but I can't help it, especially when she's massaging my prostate.

If you keep bitching like that, you're going to TURN INTO a bitch.

I refuse to believe that a sloppy Joe and a messy bun are different things.

It turns out that I have been making sourdough wrong all these years. I've always started out with a half awake starter, and did not realize how much of a difference it would make. The dough handled better, rose higher, browned more evenly. I expect the texture will be better, too.

It turns out that I have been making sourdough wrong all these years. I've always started out with a half awake starter, and did not realize how much of a difference it would make. The dough handled better, rose higher, brown more evenly.

When I turn 69 (that is quite a number of years away) I'm going to post a nude. And some of you had better say "nice!"

The perfect cup of tea: Put tea bag in coffee mug Fill with water Microwave for 99 seconds on high, 66 seconds on 30% power; set a separate timer for 3:33 total. When it's done, squeeze the tea bag out. Instead of milk or sugar, add a scoop of collagen.

We should start referring to Wendy's as Measles.

Are Grimace and Barney related?

There should be a search engine called Fuck Around. It would give you a much better response than "Google it" for when someone asks you something.

In this science fiction short story, a man volunteers to be injected with flatworm DNA. Will the benefits be worth the side effects? dnschmidt.com/science-fict...

Jesus: *rises after three days* God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us

Post #Caturday nap

[First day of new congressional session] Welcome to Impeachment Club. The first rule of Impeachment Club is you do not talk about Impeachment Club. And the final rule is, if this is your first time at Impeachment Club, you have to impeach.

Showing up at Saturday greenmarkets all across the country and asking vendors if they've "got any lung meat" in a voice that sounds like a skillet falling down a flight of stairs.