Jane

number of hot dogs eaten today: 2

Where I used to buy weed

I probably shouldn't have been surprised by all the dudes who said they'd fuck a terminator

Oh my god it’s the rectumless horseman!!

Log me out unsafely, daddy

Why is Ted or Bill the only actor that has good politics

fellas, your gf hid this thing in a box labeled “kitchen stuff,” wyd?

Steven: “Good evening” Stephen: “Good ephening”

peekaboo works because the baby believes the face really vanished. and you, grown and serious, play a longer version with the whole universe, convinced it ends at your skin. it does not. it is just behind your hands, giggling, waiting for you to look.

Taking financial advice from ARod

the best you can is good enough

Haunted house but it’s all the dicks you’ve sucked. Guys?

imagining a person who has a regular issue with "phone odor"

I say we should let those central park horses draw whatever they want, landscapes, still-life, even carriages. this is about equine artistic expression it doesn't have to be studio level art they are just horses

Histrionic personality disorder is a person who is obsessed with the civil war.

Imagine hating me and I’m just starting the hot dog diet

ground pork implies the existence of flying pigs

I think it’s actually ”a tautology” not just “that’s tautology”

But do you even wish upon stars, bro

At posh Halloween parties they Robert for apples

🎵 Give me the beat boy And free my soul I wanna get lost With your cash from Kohl's And spend away

My Amazon Music has been playing alone all day and has reached some crazy groove. Like some kind of zen

youtu.be/KE5GGMhmo-M?...

HER: looks like your fly is down ME [sadly]: she lost a larvae yesterday

Robocop but instead of metal he's made of soft, absorbent terrycloth

Reverse clowngirl so you can’t honk my nose

A haunted house, but it’s a line of unexpected visitors down your driveway wanting to come inside

I am very sensitive to small talk. Like if it’s happening around me I am paralyzed. I don’t know how to do it personally and I just can’t handle the vocal stims people do to each other to indicate what, I’m not sure. And I don’t get how this is the standard way people interact. what are we doing???

9/10 dentists approve spitting on it

it’s bare minimum monday

This hotel offers a complimentary breakfast. Hope it tells me my hair is pretty.

Listening to npr until it’s intolerable

Here's the deal pollsters, if the polls are wrong again, we're not doing polls anymore. You'll have to get a job.

LLM is short for Ladies Love Masturbating

me to a person at the park: Hello me to a goose at the park: Hellonk

Frugal shoppers take note: on November 1st, Spirit Halloween offers deep discounts on decorations and costumes for next year, and on the 2nd they will sell you uncut rocks of crystal meth