*sigh*clops

This is how many applejacks my kids left in the box

It’s so strange how I spent the first 31 years of my life being Aaron and the last 13 being A-A-Ron

CHAIRMAN OF ANIMAL NAMING COMMITTEE: So I need a name for this place where the bees live together with their queen GARY: How about a hive? CHAIRMAN: I don't know why, but I like it. ME: *crumpling my note that says 'Stingdom'* Fuck you Gary

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia her: over my dead body me: that’s the spirit

We should warn them about Covid coming in 2020

I really don’t give a 🦆

I need a 5 gallon bucket of sour gummy worms or I will die

ME: you never know if a pterodactyl is in the bathroom because the p is silent WIFE: pterodactyls are extinct ME: yeah you can’t smell them either

The Department of Education, among other things, is what funds special education for children with disabilities. Trump’s executive order will hurt kids and parents in virtually every school district in the country.

me, 44: I just found out I’m on the spectrum best friend: I mean, clearly

Dropping out of the UN so we can join the Legion of Doom

me: *signing to chimp* chimp: *signs back* reporter: how long did it take him to learn that? chimp: years

i’ve seen the lord of the rings trilogy and i’ve played battleship a couple times so appoint me as secretary of defense.

Harry Potter is Christmas movies

You may not be able to play catch with your dad but you can order a baseball from Amazon and return as often as you want

I’m 44, my wounds accumulate

do bats fly south for the winter or do they just … hang around

vampire, sucking my blood: will you PLEASE stop texting

me, eager to please: I came, I saw, I concurred

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7 me: before rush hour, smart move

Teacher: What is the first rule of thermodynamics? Me: We don't talk about thermodynamics

*watching James Blunt mouth "not you" to me after singing You're Beautiful in concert*

TOP TEN NUMBERS (in no particular order): 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

ME: *teaching my kids about drugs WIFE: Can you stop using the word 'awesome'.

shh im hibernating

Follow these people. Follow more than just these people. Lead some people too. go.bsky.app/3K14imQ

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Attack them. Now they’re fighting two battles

I’m so bored I just opened up my CVS app to see what’s new

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

Me: There's no lamb Chef: Then grill the chicken Me *shining light on chicken's face* tell us where the lamb is, you son of a bitch

[waiter sets down check] me: my treat date: awe thanks me: *grabbing mint on check* for what

[commercial for stones] are you tired of killing 2 birds with your bare fuckin hands

Her: I don't even know what the cloning machine does Me: well that makes two of us

self checkout has spoiled me. now i get embarrassed going through regular checkout. like stop looking at the stuff i’m buying. that yogurt is private

Giving your 8 year old a phone is weird

[first day as a conspiracy theorist] what if there was a third Duran

Wife: Sarah's husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you'd do that! Me: uh ok [next day] Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don't get it either

Seppuku- when you want to show them what you’re made of

I bet driving through a house feels so good for the car

[handing my credit card to the girl behind the ice cream bar] keep it open

What do bunnies call cunnilingus? Going down the rabbit hole

inventor of the popsicle: what if ice cream tasted like wood?

starbucks barista: order for cathy lou cthulhu: (visibly incensed) i guess that's me