Dave Cactus

Kids, back in my day we didn’t have autotune. If you couldn’t sing, they made you play the bass, and usually carry the amps too. That was your lot in life, and you just accepted it

When I'm only 1/12 as hungry, I eat an inchlong hot dog.

(me as a Disney princess, looking up as soft music plays) 🎵 I wish I had some serious honkers I wish I had, a real set of badonkers (music swells, townsfolk join in) 🎶 She's packin some dobonhonkeros! Massive dohoonkabhankoloos! (just me quietly as music fades out) 🎵 …big ol' tonhongerekoogers…

Walked into my bathroom and Kevin Hart came up through the toilet to tell me about DraftKings.

Blow up my Favstar.

No YOU grow up

The best video game crossover of all time is when Rich Gannon from Madden 2003 was also the bad guy in The Legend of Zelda.

With great Powerade™ comes great Responsibilitade™

still not calling them skeets

(after being robbed by a turkey) Me: okay, first, trace your hand Police sketch artist:

Drawing dicks on blacked out, drunk guys' faces is childish and weak. Draw faces on their dicks. That... is next level shit.

My posts are all created by AI. An Idiot

[hitting "bet $500 that your buddy Dave steps in dog poop" in my polymarket app] hey man, could you take a few steps to your left real quick? I'm trying to see something behind you

I'm studying to become an optometrist just so I can start a clinic called C.F. Eyecare.

So unfair that I'm gaining weight just because I eat more and sit on my ass all day. Fuck you, God

centipede: *walking by* Ariel: whoa what’d you trade

*crosses Velcro shoes into an X to feel wild again*

Time is a flat circle. Flip phones to not flip phones to flip phones. Whatever.

Booooo = ghost story Baaaaa = goat story

👁️👄👁️

If that pasta musical wins best stage play then that proves anyone can rig a Tony.

A meat-based pasta sauce made from horse meat called Bowl o’ Neighs

Sampling drugs to make sick beats

Anything that slides away from me when I try to stick a fork in it, doesn’t belong on my plate or in my bed

Fahrenheit is how tall you have to be to get on the rides at the county fahr.

Actually bread should be nice, it should not kill you, sorry Dave, big miss on this one

A cat is the reverse opposite of a lint roller

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year's Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I've been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

*At the crematorium* "Hi! Do you accept walk-ins?"

me: if land in the water is an “island” then water on land should be an “isntland” webster’s editor: how do you keep getting in here

I'm the primary bread loser in my family

Lord of the Rings remade with the cast of Letterkenny

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides. ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

If someone is showing affection toward me and I forget I'm wearing antlers, they could be calling me deer and I wouldn't know it.

911: what is your emergency ME: there’s a fly in my house 911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now

"Dave's coming over" Dave who wastes his money on magazines, or Dave who wastes his money on cloning? (yelling from outside the door) "SORRY I'M LATE I JUST BOUGHT 15 COPIES OF PEOPLE"

If anybody is looking for a financial advisor, I am available. I could use a few rubes.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival DAVE: hey no fair ME: not for you, no

CALLER: Hello is this Frank Azar, the attorney? ME: No, what number did you dial? CALLER: 6-7. ME: Ahh, common mistake. You've reached 7-6.

They say the camera adds ten pounds. I'm glad I quit eating cameras.