Bread John

[Huddled in a van outside the bank] Okay, so we're gonna do this, did you bring the balaclavas? Me: Oh No. *Reveals tray of stunning freshly baked baklava*

You can't even roast a baby in the oven for an hour at 200 degrees celsius these days because of woke.

Bring back tamagochis. I want to kill something pure and innocent

Despite being a creature of a damp, dank, subterranean cavern, I am surprisingly flammable.

It's supposedly the NBA finals but they keep coming back every year

“i’m good and you?” I say to my coworker as the government is kidnapping my community, bombing everywhere with brown people, and my immune system attacks my own body leaving me disabled.

my actual deal breaker: you keep your indoor temp at anything above 70°F

The enemy of my enemy is an even bigger little bitch

a dude referred to my tits as cherries and because i’d never heard it before I had to ask “what cherries where?” and now we are in a weird standoff about melons versus cherries and how am I 46 and this is my reality

80% of being a dad is just turning off light switches and locking doors

An escape room, but we just lock kids in a library and they have to use the Dewey decimal system to find their way out.

I guess putting lead back into paint is next

Remember when that guy fucked a pie?

DONT LEAVE HOT DOGS IN CARS

Overheard at the diner: “Yeah, I can eat that. I got teeth now.”

Fleetwood Mac: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. Me: Um, OK, if you insist. The 𝘛𝘶𝘴𝘬 album was a GREAT idea.

You can’t get all your history from Schoolhouse Rock because nothing rhymes with “massacre”.

Posts that use Roman numerals get more CLIX.

The alien remains have been at Area 52 this whole time. It was just a typo.

Me: Do you like thick burgers or smash burgers? The Incredible Hulk: *deep breath*

In theaters this summer… You won’t know where he comes from. You won’t know where he goes. Don’t bother getting married. He’s COTTON EYE JOE (Rated PG-13)

𝘉𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘏𝘰𝘶𝘴𝘦 by the Commodores is my favorite song extolling the virtues of good old-fashioned masonry work.

Pick a lane, meat pies.

Her: I just need someone who’s consistent. Me: I have a track record of 100% for leaving my take-home bag at the restaurant.

Told my mom she’d have made a great corrections officer, what with all the correcting she does.

[a writers circle] writer 1: my latest screenplay is up for an Oscar writer 2: well done! my last piece was nominated for a Pulitzer writer 3: great work! apparently I'm in the running for a Nobel Prize for Literature me: umm, I got an emoji trophy on Twitter once...

Alexa, do you wanna build a snowman?

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell your mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

My best 5 days ever: 1. birth of my 1st child 2. birth of my 2nd child 3. first time I saw boobies 4. birth of my 3rd child (I love her just as much, but kinda got the t-shirt already y’know) 5. t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶ ̶d̶̶̶a̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶t̶̶̶h̶̶̶e̶̶̶y̶̶̶ ̶i̶̶̶n̶̶̶v̶̶̶e̶̶̶n̶̶̶t̶̶̶e̶̶̶d̶̶̶ ̶P̶̶̶̶̶o̶̶̶̶̶p̶̶̶̶̶-̶̶̶̶̶T̶̶̶̶̶a̶̶̶̶̶r̶̶̶̶̶t̶̶̶̶̶s̶̶̶̶̶®̶ my wedding day

Kim Jong Un really missed a trick when he didn’t name his kid Kim Jong Deux.

Creep by Radiohead is my favourite song about that guy in your DMs.

‘Scarlett Johansson’s body’ is not the correct answer when your wife asks what accessories go with her new dress, I know this now.

I got a spoon encasing a human soul. How was your day?

Think you're old? The plastic bag from American Beauty has killed 200 sea turtles.

maybe zombies just have shampoo in their eyes

i drink rockstar because I’m a rockstar my ex-wife drinks monster

…and you will know my name is the lord…when I lay my birth certificate and social security card or equivalent identification upon thee

“Employees must wash hands every 5 minutes” -sign at OCD Fridays

I just flew home from a transcendental meditation conference, and boy are my oms tired.

it was probably a mistake teaching him to read