Wolfe Van Mural

I don’t feel well, but mostly because I’ve completely ruined my life.

it’s not lying if you say you’re having a lil drink even if you’re on your sixth it’s called the present tense

Seriously, if part of your job is to chase bad guys on foot – there better be a treadmill in your future, not a box of donuts.

that’s my emotional support stack of secondhand books

Never the Twain Shania meet

For training purposes, the depths of your despair is being monitored for quality assurance.

Amazing if literal: pizza joint

*on Facebook oh cool what platform is streaming your uncle’s wake?

(posting on PeopleWhoLoveToVote dot app) Guys, you should vote.

time to hit the gym and get to a good sweatshirt weight

put on these headphones let’s play ‘do they lack rhythm or are they math rock?’

Skin cream called Shea It To My Face

*dusts off the ol bette midler but with worse goats eyes costume

i can’t believe we have to address this in an HR meeting but “if it’s yellow, let it mellow… if it’s brown, flush it down” is not in any way acceptable rhetoric in THIS firm

if my life were an album title it’d be “skippin showers til datenight”

do you take this woman to have and to hold? i wish for sure I knew you loved me frfr

Was able to work “pipette” into a conversation today. Sweet.

never let someone else's words affect you you shitty hairdo havin fuckin dipshit

this could be us but you have goopy eyes

I’m an alpha. *adjusts panties

i never said that smoking dippers deep in the woods would turn out great i never once said that

Hearing my neighbors having passionate loving sex and going to knock on their door to ask her if this guy is bothering her

Interrupting the wedding vows to ask the bride if this groom is bothering her

Telling the bride at her wedding reception I can take her away from all this nonsense and riffraff

My off-road car is running great even though it’s a little buggy.

She was rare, like a goth snorkeling.

[first date] ME: so can I see you again? DATE: no i don’t think so ME: *stops holding in stomach*

shit ur pants right at the beginning of a double date but never admit it and never ever for any reason excuse yourself

T-rex probably couldn't hit a blunt with its tiny arms and that makes me sad but the mental image makes me laugh

Using socks for masturbation is a very bad idea because you're going to associate socks with ejaculation which makes walking impossible

I was born to do great things, unfortunately nobody told me what those things are

I wonder if Kermit the Frog has a very humble doppelganger named Kermit a Frog

I’m teaching autocorrect new words