Jessica

Twilight Zone episode about a woman in her 50’s, whose clothes keeps getting caught on various door handles.

That moment where you don't drink for a while and then 2 beers has you singing My Shot.

The floor is lava. The ceiling is lava. l've been thrown into an active volcano.

If someone showed me a pile of sugar to illustrate how much I eat in a day, I'd simply pick it up with my hand and shovel it into my mouth

My book buddy 💜

Me: Probably shouldn't park there. Look at all of those opposing team's fans. Boyfriend: Why not? They've always been nice. Me: I'm not nice.

America keeps bringing back racism like it's the McRib.

And that's enough internet for today.

Shingle Diggins Family Restaurant Coloma, MI

“I hope this thing’s recording. Okay Marla, I only have a few seconds. My life insurance policy’s in the top drawer of the desk in my study. My broker Ted’s number is in my phone, call him. Also, ask Phil to come by and get rid of the box we talked about, he’ll know what I mean.”

*carbing up for the apocalypse*

People ask me what my hobbies are. One of them is definitely Books. Not just reading books and getting lost in them but the smell of books, going to (used)bookstores and libraries. Who’s with me? #BookSky 💙📚 #Books #BookThrifting

Something is trickling down on us, but it sure isn't economics.

I buy a book the same way I buy a bottle of wine: do I like the little picture on the front, do I like the little blurb on the back, and does it look like it’ll &#% me up for $12

Some of you need to pet a dog today and it shows.

I was gonna change my underpants today, but I figured… Why not just wallow in ‘dis pair?

A rap battle is two men writing poems about each other

Stouffer’s Targets People Spending Thanksgiving Alone With New Single-Serve Frozen Family theonion.com/stouffer-s-t...

Every time I see the word "accoutrement" I think of the Winnebago Man.

Got my Christmas tree today! 🎄

I'm at that age where old people will call me young and young people will call me old.

I found my first gray pubic hair today. Things like this don't normally bother me but this was in my coffee at Starbucks.

Some days I'm very careful who I follow and other days I'm like well you reposted a guy named Fart's pic of a one-eyed pug, and that's good enough for me

Any stairway can be a stairway to heaven if you’re clumsy enough

It's been over sixty days since first responders have last had to cut me out of my twerking jeans. That's growth.

[introducing girlfriend to my family] me: this is my girlfriend janine janine: hi wife: what the fuck

Post you from a different era (Nutcracker, 2002)

I drive into every traffic circle prepared to die.

🤍

Smokey the Bear ate a forest ranger and stole his uniform. Just remember that when you're listening to his fire safety tips.

"Meet me out back by the dumpster for the drugs" -CVS pharmacy drive-thru

Art Thread! This is going to be my main thread for sharing my artwork. Feel free to share your own if you'd like as I love seeing the creativity of others! Commissions are generally open but life is hectic now so I will do my best to reply to requests.

Of all the racks I’ve seen, torture gotta be my least favorite.

If you hear a ruckus from the crawlspace that’s me but don’t worry I’m just eating the bones I found in there

The good old days when Cherry Coke was in a cool can.

her: do that thing I like me: buys cheese

I have such talented friends. Look at this lil honey badger!

💤

People are a lot like books except I look forward to books showing up at my front door unannounced

Humans used to hunt and gather food.. now groceries are delivered and we have ass deodorant.

no ma'am, this is my emotional support rotisserie chicken.