dan mentos

why do nerds suddenly appear every time I post here

There’s a guy performatively reading at the library. Literally been at a table in the back corner for hours, probably waiting for some woman to notice him. Pathetic

every year I procrastinate and end up using the previous year’s costume, and every year I have to explain to more and more people who ken bone was

Maybe stop bitching about your own little problems for a second and help me find out where my wife hid the goddamn Halloween candy.

Congrats Lula!

Pleased to announce that I’ve been officially endorsed by the local UA Plumbers and Pipefitters Union. No I am not running for office

putting together my headless horseman costume

AITA: my wife keeps drinking the ‘it happened’ champagne

if you don't bring the entire london symphony orchestra with you to your tiny desk concert what are you even doing

This is simple. On the flanks are Raymond and DJ Kitty, and in the middle is The Night Passenger.

You Chansey Everything

SUN: A! Aloha! Hola, anus!

guy commissioning a bust of himself: how will you determine the shipping charges me: weigh a head of you

sorry I can't come to your thing I have a spooktacular

"Edward, I gave you scissors for hands, but don't let that define who you are" Ok. BTW what's my last name? "Scissorhands"

REACTION: Guy named William who once drank beer with Sheryl Crow at noon on Tuesday in a bar that faces a giant car wash hears "All I Wanna Do" for the first time

product idea: Costco Trail Mix: Oops! All M&Ms

this is like if they started making "Shreds" videos of comedy specials instead of guitar solos

happy canadian thanksgiving to my girlfriend who lives there

BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions ME: hold my beer

[alphabet committee] boss: okay what comes after V designer: two Vs kissing boss: what designer: then two Vs doing it boss: wait designer: then a V with a huge dong boss: designer: two Vs 69ing

not sure if this is a scam or not but either way we’re having fun

look at all these fuckin oranges

in local crime news, someone stole all the reese's peanut butter cups from the five pound bag of halloween candy my wife bought from costco yesterday

chuck d: welcome to the terrordome me: tysm

[death row] “ok what’s your last meal request?” A pumpkin spice latte and a shamrock shake [into walkie talkie] “he’s cracked the code"

pilot on intercom: folks I’m so high right now haha just a little airline humor copilot: sir we’re still at the gate

DOCTOR: your grandma has suffered a hip dislocation ME: lol hold on *pulls out phone* “what idiot called it a trendy rap battle venue instea

Sad news everyone. Our beloved friend the computer has now become a hated enemy

claude just went rogue and liked a bunch of my wife's best friend's vacation selfies from 2018

*puts 1-900-MIX-A-LOT down as my emergency contact*

YouTube: “Bass teacher hears Rush for the first time” Internet: sure I’ll buy that Random guy: Choosin Texas? Haven’t heard it Internet: this is preposterous

[shopping at costco] why do hot dogs come in packs of 192 but the buns come in packs of 146

trying out this new airline called “Amtrak” and we’ve been taxiing for hours

porn is so deeply misogynistic. i just watched a video with dozens of performers going at it, and they literally hadn’t bothered to hire a single woman.

“Why would I deceive you? There's no reason for me to do that.”

my idiot neighbor is flying his drone again

[to waiter at chain restaurant] a round of free margaritas or I tell you it's my birthday

ME: AI can never replace me AI: *starts making terrible posts* ME: well fuck

me: it smells like updog in here me: what's updog me: not much dog what's up with you lmao me: lol therapist: I see

back on my bullshit

[job interview] interviewer: so god killed all your kids? job: that's right

my car ran out of gas on the side of the road and my insurance company is saying it's totalled

the sexual tension between Chewbacca and Han Solo is filthy and gratuitous

Do you ever read a series of words