Andrew R

"We know Dubai isn't everyone's cup of tea." The cup of tea...

“Harold Shipman’s approach to General Practice isn’t quite for everyone…”

May you face your day with the confidence of the advertising exec who translated, "We're the dustbin for the worst cunts in the world," into, "We know Dubai isn't everyone's cup of tea."

Twitter's taking it well. Such a shame that noted environmentalist, and lover of other countries having resources, Donald Trump, has declined to help out.

Every Bullseye contestant who heard “have a look at what you could’ve won”

I reckon there’s a sci-fi sitcom in the alternate timeline where Britain is venturing to the stars under her guidance. Episode 1: Ok, who was *meant* to pack the oxygen? Working title, Trussed in Space

PICTURED: Party elders gather at CCHQ for a listening party for the release of the audiobook version of Liz Truss's Bank Job.

I asked AI what made my son special and unique and apparently he's one of a kind, unusual, and has a syntax error at line 40.

This is great, because most parents think of their children as callous dullards who hate animals, so it's really picked out the traits that makes her daughter unique, here.

1. VHS tapes. They're not dependent on streaming and, being older than DVDs, are more reliable. 2. Fine cigars. In an emergency the supply is likely to be disrupted. 3. Throw cushions. If you have to lie groaning with hunger it shouldn't be on a hard floor. 4. Photos of the King. To cure disease.

Went to the beach. It was a bit breezy but I got a free exfoliating treatment/ sand-blasting.

Is it because of Jack Sparrow?

Just changed the clock on my oven. Wasn’t even that hard.

Yes yes clocks go back and it’s Stonehenge Meme Day again. But you never see the Coastguard banging on about puttting the tides back an hour, do you?

Don’t forget to stay up until 2am to see the fireworks when ITV and ITV+1 smash into each other.

Steven: “Good evening” Stephen: “Good ephening”

-Ok, PM, remember to be baffled by Only Connect -Which demographic will that play with? -Um, the everybody who isn’t Stephen Hawking demographic.

No idea why, but I just remembered the time I had to check verbatim responses to a survey and they turned into the inner monologue of someone battling their demons.

Oh my god. They are like Magic Eye pictures. Just stare and new wonderful things magically appear.

We had some ale drinkers in from West Yorkshire and they left behind a copy of CAMRA's magazine for the Bradford area. In it there's an article about a pub crawl that finishes in Dewsbury and I just wasn't prepared for the final sentence

Never mind breaking the bond market, the cheeky fuckers at the BoE have turned Wellington and Copenhagen around!

Justifies corporal punishment.

Me living by the sword: Haha fuck yeah!!! Yes!! Me dying by the sword: Well this fucking sucks. What the fuck.

What C am I?

a secret third thing

The wrong man in the wrong place: my SKETCH of Farage in Plymouth. Or, as he calls it, Portsmouth. thecritic.co.uk/fara...

A treat for film fans tonight as Film 4 has obtained and broadcasts the little seen British comedy film, Hot Fuzz. Rescued from a skip by a film preservation company known as ITV2 Film 4 have curated a special performance this evening at 9 pm

Oh my DAYS

Why, oh why, don’t TFL extend the zone system to cover the whole country, so that we can ALL join in the zones debate? Because anybody closer than zone 95 is a visionless loser, that’s why!

“There will be no stats then, I’ll tell the lefties”

"There is a big fishing fleet here in Portsmouth," Nigel Farage tells a Reform rally in Plymouth, which actually boos in response.