Andrew Fowler

my second last sentence on deathbed: the smoke and sound of sizzling fajitas. my last sentence on deathbed: work that into the funeral

[parallel universe in which thetis held achilles by his ass when she dipped him in the river styx] me: yeah i'd have to say that math is my achilles ass

Good for Michael Caine, enjoying his retirement

date: I grew up in Boston so I say "wicked" instead of "very" me: what a coincidence I got us tickets to very

my “eat whatever you want but only using chopsticks with your non-dominant hand“ diet is going great. I just finished yesterday’s lunch

YOU: erotically ties knot in cherry stem using only your tongue ME: sticks yukon gold potato up my ass and it pops straight back out peeled and boiled

[Me as a police detective] COP: My god, you just dropped that guy into a trash compactor! ME: Looks like he *dramatically putting on sunglasses* won't be testifying in the big trial oh wow I really messed up guys

Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO Me: Burritos it is

Why was U afraid of X? Cause X GON' GIVE IT TO U

the reason you shouldn't yell "fire" in a theater is because i am trying to watch a movie

me seeing friend buying two hot dogs: two huh? ol double dog. the two dog kid. friend who remembers when I tried to eat healthy in 2017: ok lentils

I like my coffee like I like my women: Full of human bones

WIFE: Look I don't want to talk about this ME: Our marriage is in trouble, you can't just roll over and play dead, Sharon ALEXA: Okay, playing Ed Sheeran

F. SCOTT FITZGERALD: so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past TATTOO ARTIST: ...

My brother was in a class once and a guy who needed a piece of paper asked him "dude, can I borrow a slice of pape?" and that's how my brother met the coolest person who ever lived

ME: *pistol in my belt* You think I can throw four silver dollars in the air and shoot them all? WIFE: *watching Friends* Whatever TV: 🎶 So no one told you life was gonna be this waaaay 🎶 ME: *throwing the coins*

more lessons = less morons

THE ANAGRAM KILLER: If you ever want to see your family again, you have ten seconds to anagram the word... "dictation" ME: *sobbing* I can't do it

roses are red violets are blue if you ignore the first line this is a haiku

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we're both still single at 40 we'll hunt each other for sport

me: hey how's it goin them: not much you me: that's nice them: i will me: you too

Me: Should I eat burritos for the third night in a row Magic 8 Ball: MY REPLY IS NO Me: Burritos it is

ME: Okay so, funny story, I thought "deadly sins" meant you had to do them or you die ST. PETER: Yeah we were all wondering

FRIEND: It says here scientists have discovered the toughest man on Earth ME: Hold my beer. The cold is hurting my fingers

[hard-boiled detective voice-over] I arrived at the opossum's funeral -- nobody was buying it

accidentally opened my eyes during prayer at church and saw jesus doing the worm

[Me as a Musketeer] *I chop the chandelier down with my sword and ride the rope up to the ceiling, then I'm just stuck up there*

at the train station intercepting blown kisses and spiking them into the ground

time to rate some sums of money $100: classic amount of money $0.55: not very much $320.13: not bad $2.02: i think you can do a little better than that, don't you $74,000,000: huge amount of money $74,000,100: just when i thought it couldn't get any better! $16: sure -$7230: you GOTTA be kidding me

*running down the street in the snow* Merry Christmas Bedford Falls! Merry Christmas Taco Bell! Merry Christmas 24 Hour Fitness! Merry Christmas you wonderful ol' Verizon Store!

Amazon: you order has been placed Me: great thanks Amazon: your order has been prepared Me: cool Amazon: your order is being put in the truck Me: it's ok I don't need an update on every step Amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

I've updated the Halloween decorations to Christmas decorations

[one month before Mary gives birth] JOSEPH: I wonder why Toyota is offering such savings

time traveler: i love your volcano pompeiian: our what? time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain

Cop: you're going to prison for forgery Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

Probably the best time in history to be a mathematician was around 600 BC when you could get rich just for discovering triangles

They say man is the most dangerous game but I sure got beat up a lot in chess club

*Slipping $20 to mall Santa* Hey could you check my gutters when you're up there

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

ME: Mother and I aren't speaking anymore DATE ABOUT TO FIND OUT MOTHER IS THE NAME OF MY PET TURTLE: Aw that's too bad

Dad: Thanks for cleaning up your room, Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless. Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I'm 17

I love how one of the three wise men brought a chest of gold and the other two went to Yankee Candle

EXOTIC LADY: In my land, we add "-ry" to the end of every sentencery ME: Fascinating, how many people live in your country? EXOTIC LADY: *slaps me hard in the face*

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy [friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?