Gress

And I can say "fuck this racist pedophile dementia patient with a full diaper" because I am a citizen of the United States

*loudest fart sound known to mankind*

Mariana Trench Once Again Named Worst Place To Raise Child https://theonion.com/mariana-trench-once-again-named-worst-place-to-raise-ch-1819575833/

After Careful Thought, Teen Applies To College Where Family Donated Building https://theonion.com/after-careful-thought-teen-applies-to-college-where-fa-1819577078/

Increasingly Healthy Pope Asserts He Will Soon Be Strong Enough To Battle God https://theonion.com/increasingly-healthy-pope-asserts-he-will-soon-be-strong-enough-to-battle-god/

Nathan Fielder Quietly Deletes Footage Of Theranos Machine Working Perfectly

Druid Loving This Cloak Weather https://theonion.com/druid-loving-this-cloak-weather/

‘I’ll Need A Gift Receipt,’ Lies Man Buying $270 ‘Lord Of The Rings’ Lego Set

Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First https://theonion.com/protestors-criticized-for-looting-businesses-without-fo-1843735351/

BREAKING: Trump announces new White House press secretary

Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too https://theonion.com/sex-offender-registry-to-start-listing-some-of-pedophil-1845707604/

Hungover Egyptologist Just Gonna Call In Cursed Today https://theonion.com/hungover-egyptologist-just-gonna-call-in-cursed-today/

theonion.com/man-who-drin...

When I testified to Congress this summer I highlighted Hines’ close ties to Tether. The WSJ has now uncovered a bombshell: Tether was paying Hines WHILE he crafted Trump’s signature piece of crypto legislation. apple.news/ALBX-2SuhRe6...

Nation’s Indigenous People Confirm They Don’t Need Special Holiday, Just Large Swaths Of Land Returned Immediately https://theonion.com/nation-s-indigenous-people-confirm-they-don-t-need-spec-1839033177/

Whether it’s Benjamin Netanyahu empowering Hamas, presiding over a massive intelligence failure that let them kill 1,200 Israelis on October 7th, and then killing 74,000 Palestinians in response or Zohran Mamdani pointing out that he did this, both men have fueled their bitter feud.

Circus Performers, by Walt Kuhn, 1978, 📸 via @marisakabas.bsky.social

Environmentalists Warn U.S. Running Out Of Small Wooded Areas Where Buddies Can Smoke Up https://theonion.com/environmentalists-warn-u-s-running-out-of-small-wooded-1851609190/

You Can Be Anything You Want, Says Fictional Character https://theonion.com/you-can-be-anything-you-want-says-fictional-character-1819566934/

“I remember seeing him on TV and thinking, ‘No, that can’t be Kash,’ but sure enough, there he was, addressing the nation about a missing person case.” — Daisy, local golden retriever

“Damn, I wish I’d had the foresight to put some money down on rice back in 5000 B.C., because I’d probably be loaded right now.” — Keith Towers

Weird! This ICE Agent’s Dates Never Return From the Bathroom Right After He Explains What He Does for Work thehardtimes.net/blog/weird-t...

JD Vance Booed  By Own Reflection  In Mirror https://theonion.com/jd-vance-booed-by-own-reflection-in-mirror/

Democrats have a plan to stop AI from destroying civilization. But how will they pay for it?

NEW: DHS's Inspector General releases a scathing report about the Everglades detention camp known as "Alligator Alcatraz." The OIG finds that the now-closed camp, violated multiple ICE standards. The OIG also confirms detainees were punished with placement in a metal cage in the Florida heat.🧵

Your family is psychically vulnerable to President Carter’s wandering spirit. He can enter minds and infect them with thoughts of solar panels. To prevent this you can make or buy a specially designed net to ensnare his ghost, and it’s also a piece of art that brings both protection and beauty.

Ant Farm Teaches Children About Toil, Death https://theonion.com/ant-farm-teaches-children-about-toil-death-1819565648/

Man Wakes From Coma With Ability To Understand Health Insurance Policy https://theonion.com/man-wakes-from-coma-with-ability-to-understand-health-i-1819579312/

WSJ, with an ice-cold graphic: @wsj.com

Jets Hope To Sell More Merchandise With New ‘Philadelphia Eagles’–Themed Jerseys https://theonion.com/jets-hope-to-sell-more-merchandise-with-new-philadelphia-eagles-themed-jerseys/

Crying Newborn Has No Idea How Much Worse It Gets https://theonion.com/crying-newborn-has-no-idea-how-much-worse-it-gets/

Observers told reporters the shrieking baby was clearly oblivious to the fact that any distress she experienced in exiting her mother’s womb would pale in comparison to the fucking decades of tedium, misfortune, and humiliation yet to come.

Plenty to reflect about re: the Arday affair, but I'm going to repeat this one thing. The playbook the right used here is effective even though it's not especially sophisticated, as it relies on the audience to do the dirty work. I've been calling it "Trojan horse propaganda", let's go with that. 1/

Me, nodding knowingly: The beaks.

I think about this a lot.

No One Translated To Foreign Players Why They Currently In Cornfield

How come Mitch McConnell is still getting paid to be a senator, but Lindsey Graham, John McCain, and Ted Kennedy are not?

The only time Trump played a golf tournament where he couldn't cheat, the American Century Celebrity Tournament in 2006 at Edgewood Tahoe Golf Course in Stateline, Nevada., he shot 52 over par in 3 rounds and finished in 62nd place out of 80 celebrities.

43-time Club Champion.

RobertAnthony Cruz just pulled off a backflip catch for the Savannah Bananas, proof that Banana Ball blends circus training with real baseball skill.

I'm not posting Odyssey memes because one must be wary of GIFs bearing Greeks.

Donald Trump is manipulating the stock market with Truth Social posts, alerting his family and allies in advance, and now is selling Wall Street traders their own advanced access. But Nancy Pelosi's husband bought and sold stocks while she was Speaker. Democrats would be wise to sit this one out.

every time trump is president you gotta wash your groceries

‘Take Us To Your Biggest Pedophile’ Demand Surprisingly Politically Informed Aliens https://bit.ly/4eTxZ8V

Ninja Parade Slips By Town Unnoticed Once Again

@timmiller.bsky.social open.spotify.com/track/6IfX0F...