mr coffee

I wish I could remember all the sleep I got as a baby. It was probably so glorious.

couples’ costume for one

Make a band edible: The Eatles

Make a band edible: Soylent Femmes

I think the main reason I'm having so much trouble breaking into the demolition industry is that it is so hard to build a portfolio. Like how am I supposed to show on my resume that my neighbor used to have a shed?

I use dark mode because of eye floaters.

I walked into this insult and i can’t for the life of me, remember why.

trying on my person who eats all the chips costume

The pursuit of happiness is clearly about the hunt.

Rooster asked if I plan on Trick or Treating this year and challenge accepted bitch.

How very imprudent of me to start a book after 9pm.

My nightmares are a pleasant change from being awake.

meh, I’ve seen fuller moons

Them: MAN OVERBOARD!!! Me: *in the water No, no, just keep going.

She's a 9.2, but she's PHP.

Kraft: the forever Parmesan

My favorite thing about this app is that I just type "BS" into my phone's search and I'm logged in.

I cut someone out of my life once for judging my Taco Bell sauce packet drawer in my kitchen.

This day in history. 1949. Mary Acworth Evershed died; an astronomer specializing in solar eclipses, and a literary scholar specializing in Dante Alighieri. Had she worked full time on eclipses she might've won a Nobel Prize, but had she worked full time on Dante Alighieri I might know who that is.

In the spirit of culinary authenticity I am having a pre-mixed Costco marg with my Taco Bell.

Get in loser, we’re getting Benihana power lunch.

Me: Yeah I'll have a Diet Coke. Waiter: Is nectar of the gods ok? Me: Wait, what did I say?

My favorite thing about this app is that I just type "BS" into my phone's search and I'm logged in.

Wiccan? I hardly know him.

Wicker? I hardly know her.

Pro Poker Commentator: Descartes calls... Fermat RAISES! ...and... Pascal... He's ALL IN!! Gotta say though, Phil, even with those pocket aces, I'm not surprised... not surprised.

Rarr!

Whuuua.

(seeing the giant human abacus in 3 Body Problem) does it run DOOM

A fjina is a fine vagina

People really underestimate the raw power and sex appeal of the Honda Odyssey.

The fire is always a little cooler In someone’s else’s hell.

Post no signs

What is a pumpkin's circumference divided by a pumpkin's diameter? Pumpkin Pi...

No one ever asks *me* if *I* have a HEMI.

I’m in luv with all of you internetly

i never know what to do with my other eye when i wink at people

As an act of malicious compliance, I now have Claude submit all of my pull request descriptions as poems in the style of Dr. Seuss.