putty

my shampoo bottle blew a bubble and I reactively caught it on my tongue and felt shame like a slut

fish should be faster

When a love dies by Ozy Worldy

just saw a skinny guy walk into a restaurant and a fat guy walk out. you just know the food is good there!

cashier today told me he knew me from twitter and said him and his partner still use “the butter’s penthouse” 😭

Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports https://theonion.com/food-court-taco-bell-not-as-good-area-man-reports-1819567919/

I love how they expanded on the story in this game.

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

Every Day Garbage Day For Garbage Man

One more escape and I get microchipped

boy i hope that *'s not an E

found out she's been shuffling the playlists I made for her 🥀🥀🥀

been getting into those "try not to cum" video games lately

My doctors are proud of me, my multiple sclerosis is down to a single scleroso

the first few seconds of soak up the sun sound like NIN

don't know how it's spelled but there's a dude at my job named Pharrell but pronounced fair-ull. just learned his last name is (again no idea how it's spelled) catonic. he is now known as feral cat

my ibuprofen 5 years past its best by date. Shiiiit twin me too

listening age of 23?!

Local Man Hates Self, Family, Others

don't think I have it in me to listen to either bon iver or sufjan stevens. I might be straight :/

They call me chatgpt the way im telling people to kill themselves

My husband and I have been trying to scare each other with the June Squibb cutout he got me for my bday

He said "Amen" straight into the drop Lmao Pope Leo threw a rave for an archbishop's 75th birthday this is kind of incredible

They fucked up rearranging all the aisles in my grocery store and now the eggs waffles are across from the lube

SOCRATES: No god is a philosopher or seeker after wisdom, for he is wise already; nor does any man who is wise seek after wisdom. PLATO: Neither do the ignorant seek after wisdom. DARRYL, SOCRATES AND PLATO’S FRIEND: well well well if it isn’t the blowjob brothers

There's a good chance rizzler lives to 2100

Me, all week

Remember when Mike Pence attended Hamilton and the cast adlibbed some resistlib patter personally to him? Why did none of them feel immense shame about performing in a show that would seem initially appealing to Mike Pence?

Heavens to Betsy Betsy to Heavens Heavens BACK to Betsy Betsy GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL

Nicole Kidman Retires Drag King Persona ‘Keith Urban’

Fucked up on my last date bc she said I tried weed once and didn't like it and I responded well I get randomly tested bc I have a CDL so here's all the drugs I can do:

when I crouch at the bus stop, I pose in such a way that you'd be an idiot not to take notice of my form

Des Moines has you all beat

I yell "what are you doing" like once an hour with my foster cat. He's fucking wild

I got bugs all over me. Glad I don't have an issue with these guys but the grass is right there

GHISLAINE MAXWELL: here we go, boss. a big book of letters from all of your horrible best friends JEFF EPSTEIN: oh neat! look at this one from Donald GHISLAINE: that one's fake actually

Is that a bell tolling? Whom’s that for?

I'm a fucking catch

Going to be a problem in the pit tonight

I think we have to withhold prayers until God starts doing what we want. He’s a fiend for prayers and I think he’s just used to getting them. Cut off the supply and draw him out