Moby Mick

Only the true king of England can unclog my toilet.

If Clavicular does not die before 30 he will become the President. Pull this post up when it happens.

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life A lil bit a Piglet by my side A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need A lil bit a Babe is what I see A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun A lil bit a Pumbaa all night long A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am A lil bit a u makes me ur man Feral Hogs Number 30-50

My friends and I play a game where we put on masks and brandish baseball bats whenever we see a pickup truck drive into down from the rural district so the conservatives don’t find the really good donut place.

My H&R Block tax professional used an AI tool to look up a simple question and it didn’t know the answer. My taxes were rejected three times. I paid $375 for this service.

We already had a social credit system it was perfect it was called Neopoints

The 2032 Olympics will require all female athletes to send a picture of their genitals to a panel of male podcasters to determine eligibility

I joined Bluesky because I thought I needed more miserable wretches in my life

im working on becoming more impatient so i can lose some wait

I want to die doing what I love: taking photos giving the finger while standing behind “danger: do not enter” signs

I’ve had a USMC sticker on my car for three years and regularly cut through the shopping mall Blues-Brothers style to avoid traffic. The police applaud my bravery.

I am a proud alumnus of a school that takes a lot of shit but is always on the right side of history

Jukebox Gyro

My teenage obsession with Limp Bizkit is written in fist-sized holes all over my dad’s house.

Me: babe can you turn the heat up? Wife: why? Me: *whipping out a steaming stock pot* because it’s CHILI IN HERE! Wife: you’re eating in the garage.

guitar gyro

Your malign milkshakes cannot lure me to your black sabbat, witch. I am lactose intolerant and immune to your geas.

If you watch the new Harry Potter show, you’re cancelled immediately. You may, however, listen to the companion podcast if you can prove that you’ve been to at least two “No Kings” protests.

Huffelpuff22222: are there any poop wizards at hogwar Jk Rowling: yes his name is Giuseppe Doo Doo

Only Gryffindors can rebel against an Islamic regime, but it takes a Hufflepuff to close the Strait of Hormuz

Really glad to see Big Nick, the President of Country Music and official Brand Ambassador of Spirit Halloween, has finally come full circle on this one.

They’ve been lying to you your whole life, eating yellow snow lets you read minds

Three times now a customer at my work has mentioned how excited they are to “bike” in the warm weather and I excitedly assumed they meant bicycles.

Ah yes, the class bully to shitposter to podcaster to cabinet official to author to nonprofit board pipeline

The weather in my hometown is so crazy, lol. Sometimes it’s cold in Spring.

I missed the birth of my son because I was correcting someone’s grammar in my replies but these are the sacrifices you have to make for society as an opinion-haver

It’s a great day to stand in a parking lot during your lunch break

You’re all asking the wrong question. Of course you can separate the art from the artist, what you can’t do is separate the art from the inhumane culture war you directly fund by consuming it.

Bodybuilder coach: so what are your goals? Cop: I want to look like a sweaty whiskey barrel standing on some twigs

Log off

The most affirming moment I’ve had since buying a home is when the landscaper I had debated whether or not to hire for months looked at my patio and said “well, shit.”

Your herbal tea addiction is tearing this family apart

Wow Myth Busters hits way different on TV without “Me and the Devil” playing in the background.

I consider myself egalitarian, but I do think that if you play videogames for more than 20 hrs a week you should have fewer rights.

Hell hath no fury like a retired police officer being told he has to pay a fee for a service

Changing your username is not a qualifying event to change health insurance

Reading posts < posting posts

This is a very lib-brained take in that Chris appears to believe that good/correct ideas can only be born from a certain amount of rhetorical conflict. The presence of Chuds doesn’t make takes better, it makes the experience worse.

I’ve driven between Boston MA and South Bend IN three times. 12 hours at the fastest, 15 at the slowest.

If getting hospitalized by fighting a guy twice my size is what I need to do to maintain my position in the Discord server, so be it.

I really like Salon’s writers, but lately they’ve been publishing work with the sort of typos I don’t expect to see in such otherwise thoughtful writing. Lord knows I make my hair share of typos, but I don’t have an editor!

If Alex Jones had been just a little bit less crazy in the ‘10’s he’d be the Secretary of Agriculture rn

Has my Krassenstein brothers Robert Mueller manga finally grown in value enough for me to afford a PlayStation 4?

The Flintstones car isn’t looking so stupid now, huh?

On the one hand knuckle tattoos are cool, on the other hand they're dude

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time? Me: Wow, they weren't kidding about that permanent record thing.

“Antisemitic controversy” was the last tile I needed to win Bluesky Bingo. Right between “corn dog joke” and the free space, “sexual flirting in the replies of a joke about depression.”

“Teleported to a Waffle House” is a weird way of describing a blackout

Stay tuned for a political take

Any political opinion will either be construed as antisemitic or puritan. This is why all my public opinions are about sandwiches.