Johnny Normality (Spooky Mode)

Saw your man get swallowed and spat back out by a malevolent elm in the Haunted grove

i tell ya, i get no respect. the other day i asked my wife if we could have sex. she opened her mouth and disgorged an unending stream of biting, stinging insects which killed me in a manner both agonizing and incomprehensible

I am 39. If you invite me to a function that starts after 8 pm, I will be treating it as a formal civil rights violation

I should have never smoked that shit now I'm in unreal tournament

The best part of Halloween season? Lots of fun craft projects to use up all those horse bones. The worst part of Halloween season? The veil between our world and Horse Hell thins enough for angry horse ghosts to seek revenge.

When the conversation turned to the trustworthiness of grapes, we knew it was time to hang up

I’m really glad I named my son Wet. he’s dead btw

someone should make a game that's as good as bayonetta. i'm not sure why no one's ever thought of that.

Shooting the messenger. They suck at their job and delivered a bad message, what do you want me to do?

your mom made the news

This is wild - somebody did a deep dive into the real stories behind this famous XKCD: sheets.works/data-viz/hol...

Up to some mischief tonite. Feeding my sourdough starter an edible

Imagine the boomer shooter revival but centered around the Playstation 2 beat-em-up masterpiece, Godhand. In this utopia, all men are brothers, peace echoes over the heavens, and every game ends with a funny little musical number

remember when beetlejuice said "i'll eat anything you want me to eat, i'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, come on down, i'll chew on a dog" that dude was freaky as fuck

OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN

waymos are driven by the ghosts of people who died in debt

Last thing I remember clearly is my friend Dave saying “Who’s down for some raccoon sashimi?”

when i say fix your heart or die i know that you probably won’t fix your heart and that’s okay that’s why there’s another option

I forgot to put the bins out last night so I had to run down the drive with them this morning and the garbageman LET ME HAND FEED THE TRUCK. Huge win.

my boy Truthpylon: You know ears be hearing shit and they dont tell us. If i was an ear i wouldnt give it all up me: you still seeing that UN Peacekeeper baddie ? my boy Truthpylon: No. Dont ask me about that shit man me: what happened ? my boy Truthpylon: She found out i'm not a conflict

"Clowns are scary" wasn't a mainstream sentiment until Stephen King's It. Similarly, before Texas Chainsaw Massacre, people loved leatherfaces.

How many health vials should fit in a barrel? The scientists here are saying "1" but I feel like I can fit more in there? Hold on, there's an alarm going off... I gotta update my audio diary real quick and then check it out, see what's up.

I was listening to the witcher 3 soundtrack while building the deck and dad goes 'what is this shit?' and i said its from the witcher and he said 'that makes you dandelion' and i had to sit down bc i dont know how he knows about that. Roasted my ass

So they're like done DONE with the whole "video games" thing huh?

This is like a supersoldier program for iPad kids.

they did the thing

another failed super soldier program. why do i even bother. ah who am i kidding i just love using technology to make insane killing machines. maybe androids next time. at least those never cry during the 'puppy test'