Mr John Robertson

Some nice middle-class people in their early 20s on this train are playing a guessing game. One of them has asked what a synagogue is and the boy has confidently replied “Oh, it’s a Muslim church.” Well-meaning ignorance, tho I’m going to start calling cathedrals “Christian mosques”

I’ve met a few racists over the years who seem to love saying London is dangerous or “they don’t recognise the place anymore” and all of them were so fucking obnoxious I thought of stabbing them so they could finally be happy

This episode was so good I started spiraling backstage I'm not kidding. the combination of @ifycomedy.com , @austincreedwins.bsky.social and @robbotron.bsky.social all harnessed by @thatbronzegirl.bsky.social ??? Unbelievable

SACHA BARON COHEN: My satire exposes hate and bigotry in society. BORAT: (molesting donkey) I like very much eating from toilet!!!

While filming the 60s Casino Royale two of the producers were in a lift with Woody Allen, loudly bitching about the film’s star, Peter Sellers. As they left, one said, “Not you, Woody. You’re a gentleman.” “Woody Allen” said thanks. … it was Peter Sellers. He abandoned the movie the next day.

It's appalling to watch the BBC succumb to circumstances in this way and so dispiriting to see purported progressives cheering its demise because they seem to think BBC news is the only thing it does.

Advert for Copilot: a guy is jealous his workmate is getting praise, he asks the AI 'make my work look as good as his', it does, then *he* basks in the praise. What a sorry old life they must think people have.

it’s just great marketing

I have looked the gift horse in the mouth, That you were probably hoping was not full of Greeks, Forgive me, it was so stupid, Wooden, and full of Greeks.

By my count that would be the second time Elon Musk has made the direct personal decision to interfere with Ukraine’s war effort - wasn’t the first time switching off the Starlink support so they couldn’t bomb Russia’s navy?

On an overcrowded train from London to Liverpool. “Hopefully everybody gets off at Milton Keynes” says a man to his partner. We have now left Milton Keynes, nobody got off and all I want to do is find him and stomp on his head for making me dream of a better world.

No joke. I think this is the most important video I have ever seen about mobile games. This guy breaks down how this game psychologically profiles you, and makes the game harder or easier in order to show you ads

There she was, just a-walkin’ down the street, With a doo-wah-diddy-diddy-dum-diddy-doo I never noticed how many times this song mentions Diddy With a time and a man have ruined yet another thing

The Dark Room is on TOUR! 🇬🇧 Swindon, Shrewsbury, Portsmouth, MCM, Chelmsford, Edge Hill, Sheffield, Newcastle, London (nearly full), Glasgow, Edinburgh, Manchester (full), Southend 🇺🇸 New York City Nov 18-21 🇦🇺 Perth Dec 20 (only 53 tickets left!) 🍍 Thejohnrobertson.com/livedates

Not a great singer, pretty fair on ukulele, but here’s 2,400 beautiful people at PAX Australia singing along to my song, “Shut Up, You Tiny Fool”. People are good.

You can kill as many people as you want, but you target a beautiful precious data center? The one that hosted all 40,000 Sexy Ladies For Ken Paxton accounts?

It’s called surfin’. Maybe you’ve bird of it.

"By using AI, tasks like essays that used to take hours can be completed in minutes!" Sure, like how if I arrive at the gym and immediately go for a shower, my workout is done in record time. And if I throw my sandwiches straight in the bin, I can finish my lunch in under 10 seconds.

Been to listening to podcasts about various old albums + movies getting made. I tell ya, so much drama, so much bullshit, but so very, very, very many people getting paid. How we managed to go from that to an entertainment economy with all the bullshit and none of the money is a marvel.

𝟏.) 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐁𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐭 This gift option isn’t just 𝘱𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴, it’s 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 —with the added benefit of being perfect for the woman who has it all! 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘑𝘰𝘩𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘢𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘴𝘵 fits your requirements that your present be 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 and 𝘯𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘺, but 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘮𝘢𝘭 for a budding courtship.

AI COMPANIES: “People who don’t use AI agents just aren’t aware of the vast power they possess to do anything.” NORMAL PEOPLE: “Wow, okay, wow. Sounds great. What can they do? Give me your top example.” AI COMPANIES: “The hardest task of all: Checking you into a flight!”

The UK Arts & Ents industry contributes over £10bn to the UK economy a year & one of these days our politicians might even realise that instead writing it off as icky girlie flouncing bc you can't do a photoshoot in a hard hat & hi-vis gilet at the national theatre without looking like a tit

THE DARK ROOM hits Barnfield Theatre Exeter 7:45pm tonight! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ “Rocky Horror for nerds… reader, I howled” Telegraph “NOT TO BE MISSED” Guardian Happy to be there? YES! Pleased by the 1am train home? NO Grab a ticket (not for the train) exeternorthcott.co.uk/book/?show=7...

Tonight’s glamour of showbiz: after finishing a set with pizza fellatio, a point about colonialism and the restoration of a man’s stolen fluids, I’m now on the street waiting for a late night bus and watching a man in lederhosen play ping pong inside a hostel. What in the Bob Dylan lyrics is this

My current ick is seeing people in the arts use AI for posters/anything at all. I don’t care if you’re a kids choir or a small amateur dramatics group, make your own poster, make it part of *your* art and, crucially, not the same as every other death/agreement machine creation.

This will end with monks in remote towers, hiding from the forces of barbarism, keeping culture alive by carefully handwriting copies of vintage Harry Potter slashfic.

i worry that men think being A Good Guy is dramatically and heroically intervening on behalf of an endangered woman and then being publicly rewarded on a grand scale when actually being A Good Guy is just usually saying, “hey man that’s not funny” or “wow that’s fucked up” and there is no reward

The difference in UK and US temperament is in the UK we “couldn’t care less” and the Yanks “could care less”. So the UK starts at complete disinterest, but the US has an innate level of enthusiasm that still has the capacity to move downwards. The Aussies, of course, don’t give a fuck.

3/4

I feel like it’s worse to bully someone in your community until they’re homeless and financially destitute than it is to report on people doing that

I had a vasectomy last week and am still extremely jet-lagged from my U.S trip. Why these details? Because I did a set last night where the jetlag + pain in my balls collided til I was in a daze, which meant I repeatedly said “I had a vasectomy” and never elaborated. New catchphrase?

John Robertson (@robbotron.bsky.social) has spent 23 years playing video games, doing comic-cons and getting paid to say rude words in public. Join him at #EPIC49 as he roasts the games he loves, sticks the D in D&D and tells dirty stories about geek celebrities he’s annoyed.

I regret to inform you I have written the whole poem. Ed Sheeran’s “The Raven” awaits you at www.facebook.com/johnrobertsoncomedy

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, but congrats on buying a house, I guess

BREAKING: Bibbsy Bobbins says he would "kick" Guzzle-man and "make him fall over"

Quoth the raven, “Macklemore”.

I don’t care billionaires think about any country. They don’t live with or near normal people, they sit on social media, have about 12 mates who are just like them and think the world’s turned to shit because the poors are rude to them online. Mental illness with no relief, just an extreme budget.

Sorry I was late, there was an elephant in my room that needed acknowledging

Saw The Odyssey, loved it. Christopher Nolan makes huge movies to watch on huge screens with your hands in your ears every time the bass makes your intestines shake. Didn’t think the movie was having any real emotional affect on me, then I wept through a fight scene. A modern epic. Fab.

"Oh but it didn't FEEL like he ran those marathons" "But tinned g&ts on the HS1 doesn't FEEL fashy" "That dodgy poll funded by reform FELT legit" "It FEELS like Al, Alex & their rhyming kids can't go on 5 holidays bc of boarding school VAT" "It FEELS like that school has a litter box for furries"

Have you seen my snooker table, Doris? No farmer Griffiths. I haven't seen any snooker tables at all this morning.

"What if I buy bootleg merch and pirate the show" What if you put your head in a toilet and your feet in some mayonnaise jars. What if you roll yourself in bubble wrap and stamps and send yourself to France. What if you have an emotional affair with an assymetrical rock. Lots of things one can do

I hope these rabid shits are identified and arrested for the assault, especially the woman In glasses pulling her hair. I thought Reform was all about freedom of speech?

Call me a lefty snowflake traitor, but crowing over a woman being assaulted by multiple men (one with a stick) while under investigation for a £5m bung & losing two senior aides for illegal donor fraud is not a brilliant look. Expect serious defensive leaning in Nigel dismissing this at any moment.