rover suede

cant sleep bc im thinking of how much i HATE the devil

Yes, in 2003 I had a doorbell surgically implanted in the palm of my left hand so if I needed to get out of a conversation I could squeeze my fist, set off the ding dong, and say, "This is fascinating but I am the man who answers the door," and just walk away.

Allergies are the closest thing that meat has to religion.

It is my opinion that Halloween's the special day when ghosts and ghouls come out to play

the main reason i go to the movies is to check out Heal Squad with Maria Menunos

im hearing reports that Mitch McConnell did The Jaunt while awake

The Sound of Music- what were they smokin when they came up with that one

I can not apologize enough for my behavior at the seance last night. It was never my intention to annihilate The Big Bopper’s soul and I am so, so sorry to any fans who were looking forward to meeting him in hell.

i saw your man struggling to draw the cool s

White smoke seen over the Stockholm Royal Library. This can only mean one thing:

every god damn day

trump could instantly solve all his problems if he replaced easter with a second halloween

your mission is simple: forcefem the pope

i think history will probably conflate giuliani’s hair dripping with four seasons total landscaping, but that’s, to me, ok

proposing a fullbright grant for me to write the word trump in the sand and film the waves washing it away i need five hundred thousand dollars

I could have used about 45 min more of the tattoo guy in History of Concrete

one explanation is that chemicals in the air or water are making everyone stupider every year and we haven’t noticed because we’re all too stupid. this hypothesis would help explain why everything and everyone is really stupid now

men who like beef can never go home

a good name for a leftist vietnamese restaurant would be Aunty Pho

THEM: you must be the newly discovered tilcayo cat if you think we're having McDonald's for dinner 3 nights in a row My fat ass:

if youre not seeing practical magic 2 in dbox why even bother

guy in NY on 9/11/01 sadly flipping the "Days Without 9/11" sign back to zero

gets me every time

ok I'll bite - what's 9/11?

Laura is asking for the Wife NFT I have of her in the divorce, and it's like either "it's a fake thing that you were an idiot to pay 10k for" or it's "creepy and I don't want you to keep it" but it can't be both.

most historians now agree that the Flintstones are a fictionalized amalgam of a few different stone age families but Barney Rubble was a real guy

I have trapped President Donald Trump in a "warding rune". You may now proceed with your normal lives unburdened by the thought of him, while he becomes... the plaything to my every arcane whim!!

every day since 2016 trump has hit a new low in the polls and it’s always 33%

‘Dirty Soda’ Look, I don’t even know what that means but obviously you shouldn’t be calling things that,

i got sentenced to diaper jail. it’s a new kind of prison where they make you wear diapers

Crankin hog or hogly crankin?

Watching TV, and I’ll name it Michael.

In my opinion, the world has only gotten even worse since Steamboat Willie entered the public domain

say what you will about AI, always-on voice recording and auto dictation has been a game changer for my workflows. Save post and close app. Yeah Footlong meatball sub on white. No veggies. Don't toast it. Ranch and barbecue sauce. Yeah, ranch and bargecue sauce. More. More. Little more please