Bob Heller

I remember when a foot long was $5

Got a bad case of the Mondays. My penis is on fire, with blister-like sores that are opening and scabb- No. Wait. It's herpes. I'm cool.

*howling directly into her vagina I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOVE IS!!!

I’ve been to the wax museum a brazilian times.

I got banned for life from LA for asking people if Electric Avenue was located in Watts

I’m not going to say what kind of movie I was watching but there was a young man with a giant erect penis having hardcore anal sex with his barely-18 spinner stepsister and four seconds after he pulled out there was a Spirit of Halloween in there.

Due to some fundamental creative differences with my business partners, my dream restaurant, Six Guys Burgers and Salad, never came to be.

Collectively gynecologists, proctologists, and dentists help the hole community.

4 out of 5 dentists agree that halloween is just like the greatest thing ever invented

The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future are all Patrick Swayze and they think your pottery sucks.

if you’re charging $40 for your haunted house i better be able to fuck a ghost or at the very least make pottery with one.

Last night, I either made sweet love to a woman who bathes in au jus... or... there was a French dip on the other side of that glory hole

My wife rubbed her nose against my cock and called it an eskimo blow job. That doesn't count. Can that count? I raked a shit ton of leaves

REF: *blows whistle* WHISTLE: *cums*

Maybe voraciously devouring cookies and allowing the crumbs to fly through the air and/or fall all over your chest is normal and YOU… are the monster.

it's called ernie's friend maybe you've bert of it

The sexy young blonde sitting next to me on the train has never seen Risky Business.

Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life. Trust me on this. I’ve been doing my job for a thousand years.

do you denounce the sultans of swing

"Metaphors are my kryptonite." --Superman

First person to go on a wild goose chase: I have no idea how to express the futility of this to others

[Somewhere... No. Everywhere on Pornhub] YOUNG WOMAN: Let me see your fat cock. YOUNG MAN: What!?! No way. You’re my sister. YOUNG WOMAN: Oh come on, I’m your STEP-SIST- YOUNG MAN (already fucking): Well okay...

I bit the hand that fed me and quite honestly, it was delicious. Some rules are meant to be broken.

CLARK KENT (at his desk, lists the noble gasses): Helium, Neon, Argon… *a tear rolls down Clark’s cheek* TEACHER: Go on, Clark. CLARK (starts sniffling): It’s Krypt- *the tears begin to cascade* *Lana puts her hand on Clark’s leg* *Clark gets a super boner and his desk explodes*

it's called a boner maybe you've hard of it

It's called a large group of cows, maybe you've herd of it.

it's called being cold maybe you've brrrd of it

It’s called a nice solid poop, maybe you’ve turd of it.

what wonders beyond that pay wall

I trained an AI agent to search for, watch, and masturbate to porn for me and now I have an extra 7 minutes each day.

My wife made me resolve to stop using the term "reverse cowgirl" as a question.

I expected the trees by the Dunkin’ Donuts on Epstein Island to be more tropical.

All panties aside, it’s Friday.

It's Friday. Do your fuck laundry.

wonder if that bird who’s cuckoo for cocoa puffs ever tried cocaine

"I was doing parkour... flipped over this wall so fast my pants flew off... then landed weird on a Red Bull can." - Overheard in triage at the ER

Has this ever happened to YOU? [Image of a person stepping onto a trampoline] [Image of a bull flying through the air] [Image of a person flying upwards] [Image of a bull flying through the air, now visibly pregnant] [Image of a minotaur falling out of a bull in the air]

Can Commissioner Goodell do something about Arthur Blank’s mustache?

liberty biberty and the temple of doom

My OnlyFans is just me taking Tylenol and sighing a lot as I doomscroll.

Can Commissioner Goodell do something about Arthur Blank’s mustache?

A poorgasm is just like any orgasm except you have your palms facing skyward and your pants pockets turned inside-out.

if I am shitting my own pants in fear everyone jumps to reassure me but when I shit someone else’s pants suddenly they're all “that’s really gross” and “what’s wrong with you”

Some people call me the blood harvester, a terrible butcher of crimson destruction. Some people call me Maurice, probably because they don't want their blood harvested.

spiderman defeating the bad guy by sneaking into the compound and laying millions of eggs