Surprised Face Guy

[me as a real estate agent] Me: "And over here we have the whole house fan." Buyer: "What's that do?" Me: "Well, I'll show you" [turns fan on] Fan: "THIS HOUSE IS FUCKING INCREDIBLE! HOLY SHIT!"

French Fries are called that because they’re shaped like cigarettes.

I have opened the strait of hormuz. pray I do not open it any further.

If you read this, tag ✋, you’re it. No tag backs.

They called it sparkling water instead of destilled water, just to avoid confusion at the grocery stores and pharmacies.

Wow is this really what we were trying to load all day? Couldn't wait to see this?

If you're cooking something with chocolate chips, use carob chips instead. They're healthier and they taste terrible.

Ant Man: “Excuse me, Mr. Doom,” Dr Doom: “yousa will call mesa Doctor Doom.”

a pizza is a salad with an edible plate. it’s healthy.

Oh man, they better fix Bluesky soon or I’m going to become productive with my time.

New S-tier insult just dropped.

BREAKING: OpenAI says it’s pivoting to shoes.

I am the Steph Curry of enjoying Steph Curry play basketball.

I have time traveled in small doses. I close my eyes and when I open them again it’s 8 hours later and light outside.

priest: and so wise king solomon said “i will cut the baby in half” me: ohhh. i get it. baby was a worm priest: no it was a test me: risky test. what if he’s not a worm

samuel beckett was born on this day 120 years ago. astonishing to think that if he had survived, and could run 100m in 9.57 seconds, he would be not only the oldest but also the fastest man in the world - together with his nobel prize for literature, an astonishing trifecta

I like the way you work it (no dignity)

Was going to make a Clavicular joke but I’ll have to hammer out the details later.

If I were a lizard I would gift you my tail

As a Jewish person I’m a huge fan of Easter, a holiday that celebrates a son that went away and returned as a doctor.

Couldn’t be me. I’m Built Different.

My bestie and I agreed that if we're both single in five years, we'll launch an extremely problematic podcast

My biggest problem with Geese is the shit they leave everywhere

As a Jewish person I’m a huge fan of Easter, a holiday that celebrates a son that went away and returned as a doctor.

If I were a lizard I would gift you my tail

Was going to make a Clavicular joke but I’ll have to hammer out the details later.

Hugely suspicious that the only bird that ever quothed was the raven. Why has a penguin never quoth?

I run a parody bank account.

"I'm not upset," my wife said, digging a large rectangular hole in the backyard.